Myra: Well, well, Bart Simpson in trouble again. (CHECKS CLOCK) School hasn't even started yet.

Bart Simpson: (FLIRTY) What can I say? I missed you, Myra.

Bart Simpson: How's things with you and Frank?

Myra: That bum! He says his divorce will be final next week. So why is she pregnant again?

Bart Simpson: Ouch. You hang in there, beautiful.

Bart Simpson: (EXAMINES SKINNER'S EMPTY OFFICE) So, where's the Skin-man?

Myra: He's out admiring his "new" car.

Seymour Skinner: Ah, nineteen ninety-five. A fine year for Camrys. (STROKES CAR LOVINGLY) No one would ever guess you spent three months in a lake.

Bart Simpson: Ay carumba.

Bart Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Thank you, Satan!

Bart Simpson: Just think, Milhouse. From now on we'll always be "those kids who got into the Steam Tunnels."

Bart Simpson: Now I gotta warn you. We could get in trouble.

Milhouse Van Houten: I don't mind! Trouble's a form of attention.

Moe Szyslak: Gentlemen, the moment has finally arrived.

Moe Szyslak: I'm rentin' a party bus and takin' all you regulars to Las Vegas.

Lenny Leonard: Nevada?!

Moe Szyslak: That's right.

Carl Carlson: Moe, why you bein' so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat-like.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well, ya remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and got a huge settlement... and a new rope!

Carl Carlson: Hey, nice rope.

Lenny Leonard: (ADMIRING) You could hang a cow with that thing!

Milhouse Van Houten: These steam tunnels are awesome. It's like we're in the school's lymphatic system -- and we're the lymph.

Bart Simpson: (LOOKING THROUGH) Oh, my God! My Dad had a long talk with me about this, but you can't believe it till you see it!

Milhouse Van Houten: The cafeteria loading dock!

Bart Simpson: Look -- we're havin' pizza tomorrow!

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm gonna eat a lighter breakfast.

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, we made it to the valve room. Now we can leave without touching a valve. What a tale that'll be.

Bart Simpson: Hey, we can't leave here without turning one little valve.

Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, it'd be like going to Amsterdam and not taking a walking tour of famous doors.

Seymour Skinner: (COCKS EAR) Hmm, that's odd -- we only turn the heat on for parents' night.

Seymour Skinner: What the F-minus?

Seymour Skinner: Steeeaam!

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Grover Cleveland's second term was, if anything, more uneventful--

Nelson Muntz: (POINTS AT MARTIN) Look, a new kid! Get him!

Lisa Simpson: Our instruments are rusting!

Dewey Largo: We're going a cappella, people!

Kids: (HUMMING "LOUIE LOUIE") BOM BOM BOM BOM / BOM BOM BOM BOM (ETC.)

Ralph Wiggum: I've got two kinds of wet in my pants!

Groundskeeper Willie: It's so hot... I need a drink.

Groundskeeper Willie: No water fountain outwits Willie!

Groundskeeper Willie: (INCREDIBLY AGONIZED NOISE) Maybe I'll just have a soda.

Seymour Skinner: This wood is more buckled than a pilgrim's hat. But who's responsible?

Seymour Skinner: Don't bother struggling -- I've got your scruff.

Bart Simpson: Can I cut a deal? I'll give you Milhouse.

Seymour Skinner: (GRIM) I don't want Milhouse.

Milhouse Van Houten: Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE PLEADING) Myra, can ya help me out here?

Myra: (GRIMLY) Forget it. This used to be a Croissandwich. Now it's a ham and cheese car crash. (EXITS)

Seymour Skinner: Yes, thank you, Myra. To highlight the seriousness of Bart's offense, Superintendent Chalmers will be joining us by video uplink.

Gary Chalmers: And joining me by video uplink, State Comptroller Atkins.

State Comptroller Atkins: Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.

Gary Chalmers: You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! At the Hyatt -- room three eighty-one!

State Comptroller Atkins: Get outta here! I'm in five oh-two! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there?

Gary Chalmers: No, we've been using shower caps.

Gary Chalmers: (FADING TO NOTHINGNESS) Skinner!

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES, POINTS AT TV) You made that TV show really mad.

Seymour Skinner: Yes, well you won't think it's so funny when we send Bart here.

Marge Simpson: (READING) "Upward Bound: The toughest behavioral modification camp in Northwest Oregon."

Seymour Skinner: It's the only place cruel enough to straighten Bart out. They use a proven concept, "tough hate", to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.

Homer Simpson: Hmm, this camp's got it all -- climbing some kind of rope thing, wearing a backpack, high-fiving the black kid. (TO BART) It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.

Seymour Skinner: Got it!

Seymour Skinner: Now I have a ring tone for my brand new cell phone.

Seymour Skinner: No wires at all. Except this one.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, check it out -- I made it partially risqué.

Homer Simpson: Hey guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp, then I'll be back to go to Vegas!

Bart Simpson: (PLEADING) Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.

Homer Simpson: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.

Bart Simpson: What's your system?

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Homer Simpson: (CHIPPER) One child to Portland! (CHUCKLES) He's your problem now.

Desk Agent: It seems he was our problem before. Your son's on the no-fly list.

Homer Simpson: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Why, there must be some mistake.

Desk Agent: (GRIMLY) There's no mistake. It seems the last time he flew unescorted...

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta.

Pilot: Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.

Bart Simpson: (DEFIANT) Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do.

Pilot: (BITTERLY) Thanks a lot, thirty-three "C". Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired.

Bart Simpson: Well Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. (FAKE DISAPPOINTED) Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.

Homer Simpson: (GRIM) Oh yeah?! You're going to that camp, 'cause I'm gonna drive you there.

Bart Simpson: (SNIDE) Yeah, that'll be way more fun than Vegas.

Carl Carlson: Aw dang, Homer ain't comin'.

Nelson Muntz: Haw haw!

Carl Carlson: And Nelson saw somethin' funny.

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) Stupid Bart... makes me drive to Oregon... home of unspoiled forests... birthplace of Matt Groening ("GROANING")...

Bart Simpson: Dad, neither of us wanna go. Why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?

Homer Simpson: You mean Fun Homer? (GRIM) I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.

Bart Simpson: Fight back, fun Homer! Together we can win!

Homer Simpson: (FIRMLY) It's no use.

Fun Homer: (TIPSY) Aw c'mon, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs.

Serious Homer: (BRUTAL) I'll kill you the way I killed intellectual Homer!

Marge Simpson: While the boys are gone, we'll sell all their useless junk and replace it with knickknacks and curios.

Lisa Simpson: I already made up a yard-sale sign!

Marge Simpson: (EXAMINES BOX) You know, your father saved every book report he ever wrote. And every one was Stuart Little!

Marge Simpson: Not to mention this Power Point demonstration he did just last week.

Lisa Simpson: (GASP) My Malibu Stacy heads!

Lisa Simpson: (BREAKS DOWN) Oh no, Bart blamed this on the dog! I didn't pet him for weeks! (TO SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER) Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you, boy.

Homer Simpson: (UNIMPRESSED) Eh.

Bart Simpson: (TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO HIM) C'mon, Dad, we got a long way to go. You can't stay mad at me the whole time.

Homer Simpson: Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act.

Bart Simpson: Well maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.

Homer Simpson: At least you have something you're good at. I'm thirty-eight years old, drivin' a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes. Mmm, Snickers pie. (DROOLS)

Homer Simpson: So, I see you're also traveling with your son. What boy prison are you taking him to?

Father: Actually, Justin and I are going to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Sir Peter Hall himself is directing.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) See Bart, I told you things could be worse.

Son: (EXCITED) I'm getting a sweatshirt with Shakespeare's face on it!

Father: (GETTING UP) Well, we'd better get back to the Prius, son. Don't forget the menu for our scrapbook. (EXITS)

Bart Simpson: (LAUGHS) Did you see that? They were eating melon for breakfast!

Homer Simpson: (IMITATING) Look at me, I use a napkin. (BIG LAUGHS)

Bart Simpson: (HEARTY LAUGH TURNS TO CONTENTED SIGH) Well Dad, we may not always get along, but we'll never be that lame.

Homer Simpson: I bet they're from Massachusetts. You know, it's legal there for a guy to marry his son.

Bart Simpson: (CHUCKLES, THEN SIGHS) Well, I guess it's tinkle time.

Homer Simpson: (FALSETTO) Don't forget to wash your hands, Shakespeare.

Cora: So, here for a snack before they roll you back into the ocean?

Homer Simpson: (CHECKS MENU) Yeah, I'll have the smiley-face breakfast special.

Homer Simpson: Uh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits... and a bacon body.

Cora: How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat?

Cora: I'm kidding.

Homer Simpson: (GRUMPY) Fine. (CALLS AFTER HER) But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!

Cora: (CALLING) No he doesn't!

Homer Simpson: You know who would really like this place? Bart. (DAWNING) Wait a minute... where the hell is Bart?

Homer Simpson: You little monster! Show your face this minute!

Homer Simpson: Bart, where are you?!

Bart Simpson: Hey Stavros, there's a guy in your bathroom tryin' to dine-and-dash.

Fry Cook: (GREEK ACCENT) What?! No one dashie-dine on Stavros!

Homer Simpson: (YELLING) Why you little...

Homer Simpson: I'm stuck!

Homer Simpson: Ow! Someone's hitting my butt with something!

Stavros: Is frying pan!

Homer Simpson: (SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SHUTS EYES) Leave your ass, Homer. Leave your ass.

Comic Book Guy: (STROKING CHIN) Hmm, lemme get this straight. I get all of Bart's action figures, Homer's treasured Mr. Plow jacket (HOLDS IT UP), and these Power Rangers Underoos, which I am already wearing...for only three ninety-five?

Marge Simpson: That's right.

Comic Book Guy: Give me five minutes alone with your fridge and you have a deal.

Marge Simpson: Fine. (SHAKES HIS HAND, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)

Lisa Simpson: We've only brought in five dollars. And that came from Mr. Flanders buying back his own stuff.

Ned Flanders: (AGHAST) My LP of "Dreamcoat!"

Ned Flanders: (SINGS LOUDLY) HOW I LOVE MY COAT OF MANY COLORS / IT WAS RED AND YELLOW AND GREEN AND BROWN / AND SCARLET AND BLACK AND OCHRE AND PEACH / AND RUBY AND OLIVE AND VIOLET AND FAWN...

Ned Flanders: (SINGS) ...AND LILAC AND GOLD AND CHOCOLATE AND MAUVE / AND CREAM AND CRIMSON AND SILVER AND ROSE / AND AZURE AND LEMON AND RUSSET AND GREY...

Ned Flanders: (SINGS) AND PURPLE AND WHITE AND PINK AND ORANGE / AND RED AND YELLOW AND GREEN AND BROWN / SCARLET AND BLACK AND OCHRE AND PEACH...

Marge Simpson: My yard sale is a failure. (MOROSE) I guess I'll have to give everything to the Salvation Army.

Salvation Army Driver: We don't want it!

Otto Mann: (READING LABELS, GROWING INTEREST) Dexonumb? Somnodoze? Percolax? Are these for sale?

Marge Simpson: I guess -- they're Homer's expired pain medications.

Otto Mann: (OVERACTING) Oh, I'm in a lotta pain. I'm, uh, breaking in a new pair of flip flops, and my thong notch is on fire! How much?

Marge Simpson: (SHRUGS) A dollar.

Otto Mann: Per pill, right?

Marge Simpson: Uhh... (SEIZING OPPORTUNITY) yeah!

Otto Mann: I'll take a dozen of each.

Otto Mann: (HOLDS UP BOTTLE) Oh wow! (PROUDLY) Drugs in a bottle. I feel like Elvis Presley.

Snake Jailbird: Whoa! This is so much safer than buying my illegal drugs at the playground.

Marge Simpson: Bag or keister?

Snake Jailbird: Surprise me.

Waylon Smithers: Um, I'll take all your estrogen.

Marge Simpson: (PUZZLED) That's a female replacement hormone.

Waylon Smithers: It's for... a friend. Who's trapped in the body of another friend.

Homer Simpson: (TALKING INTO CELL PHONE) So Lenny, how's it goin' in Vegas? Pretty boring, I'll bet.

Lenny Leonard: (TALKING INTO CELL PHONE) Yeah, kinda...

Lenny Leonard: (LAUGHS) Can't talk now, Homer. I'm too satisfied in every way.

Homer Simpson: (NASTY CHUCKLE) I've got you now, boy.

Homer Simpson: Boy! Push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself.

Bart Simpson: Hm, if I save you, what are you gonna do to me?

Homer Simpson: (INCREDIBLY SWEETLY) Shower you with love because this experience has taught me just how precious you are.

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) I'll kill you! I'll kill your whole family!

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship.

Homer Simpson: (FURIOUS) I'm gonna double kill you! And then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave. Then I'll dig you up and kill you again! That's the beauty of a shallow grave.

Homer Simpson: (ALTERNATE SWEET AND FURIOUS) You sweet little angel. Oh, I'm gonna rip your head off. And spit down your adorable little neck. Because I wanna smash your little stupid head. Oh, but I love you we'll go on a fishing trip. But first I'm gonna put you on a sawmill then punch your little face out. That's what I'm gonna do!

Jimbo Jones: I'm here for the, uh, yard sale?

Marge Simpson: That was yesterday.

Jimbo Jones: No, I mean (QUOTES) yard sale.

Marge Simpson: What are you talking about?

Jimbo Jones: (QUICKLY) Can I buy some pills?

Marge Simpson: Well, maybe someone else can help you, but I am not a drug grocer!

Marge Simpson: (EXASPERATED) I'm out of drugs! See how much money I made?!

Marge Simpson: Oh. Chief Wiggum. (FAKE CASUAL) Uh, are you still with the police department?

Chief Wiggum: Save it, Ma Peddle! (PUTS CUFFS ON MARGE)

Lou: (WALKING UP) Ma Peddle?

Chief Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle. The popular movie character from the forties.

Lou: If you have to explain it, it's not good, Chief.

Homer Simpson: Well boy, you made the right choice. I think this is the first step to a new, closer relationship between us.

Bart Simpson: (SINCERE) Dad, I think you actually enjoy seeing your own son suffer.

Homer Simpson: I don't enjoy it. Being a father is just a job. Long hours, no pay, and at the end, all you get is someone yelling "you screwed me up"!

Bart Simpson: Well, maybe if you enjoyed me more, I wouldn't be so screwed up.

Homer Simpson: Hey, I enjoy you plenty.

Homer Simpson: Talking time is over.

Commandant: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We're gonna take his "sass" and turn it into "siss."

Homer Simpson: Thank you, Colonel.

Commandant: I'm not a Colonel. This is a Boy Scout uniform that I "dolled up." (TO BART) Come with me, son.

Commandant: Now kiss your childhood goodbye.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! Vegas here I come!

Bart-Jack: (BART'S VOICE) I miss you, Dad.

Bart-waitress: (BART'S VOICE) Hey Homer, you wanna eat my shorts?

Bart Head: Don't gamble on my love, Homer!

Homer Simpson: (WISTFUL) I miss Bart! I can't leave him in that awful camp!

Homer Simpson: I'm comin', boy!

Homer Simpson: (SEVERAL CONFUSED NOISES, THEN:) I bet this looks cool from overhead though.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED) Woo hoo! Vegas here I come! (THEN, REMEMBERING) Oh right, Bart.

Commandant: Nicely chopped, Simpson.

Bart Simpson: I've learned so much in my three hours here. I don't have to play pranks to feel good. I can just listen to the gentle rhythms of nature.

Homer Simpson: Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing!

Homer Simpson: Wipe the blood off the windshield and get in the car, boy!

Bart Simpson: Dad?

Homer Simpson: Son, I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago... taking you to Vegas!

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) I'm gonna order a steak dinner and eat it on the toilet!

Homer Simpson: And don't you try to stop us.

Commandant: Actually, we were gonna call you, Mr. Simpson. Your credit card was declined.

Homer Simpson: (DOPPLER) Try this one...

Marge Simpson: Homer, I hope you get this. I'm in jail and I need ten thousand dollars bail. Hurry!

Homer Simpson: Uh, Marge. Me and Bart got in a fight with this really un-cool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him, say "hey."

Lisa Simpson: (TROUBLED SIGH) Well Maggie, I always knew it would some day boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.