Chief Wiggum: Love you guys!

Chief Wiggum: Jet pack! Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins, you idiot.

Chief Wiggum: (SIGNING) Chief... Clancy... Jetpack.

Chief Wiggum: (SCARED SCREAMS) Okay, okay, I think I got it.

Chief Wiggum: Now I got it. I got it.

Lou: Oof. Why don't you take that thing off, chief? It's starting to smell.

Chief Wiggum: What, so you can steal it and be Sky Police? Ohhh no. No way.

Chief Wiggum: Um. Oh. Well... there's only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack -- the Sky Police!

Chief Wiggum: (SADLY SINGS) THIS IS THE END OF SKY POLICE... (FALLING SCREAMS)

Chief Wiggum: (CRAZED WHISPER) You were the wind beneath my ass.

Lisa Simpson: What percentage of prayers really come true?

Marge Simpson: Well, not all of them. Like, um, ninety percent?

Bart Simpson: God doesn't hear my prayers. If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper.

Homer Simpson: Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.

Marge Simpson: I hope no one was hurt.

Gil Gunderson: (BUSINESS-LIKE) Don't worry, Reverend, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything but acts of God.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: But we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God.

Gil Gunderson: My jiminy, you're right! We're off the hook!

Gil Gunderson: Go Southern Illinois!

Bart Simpson: Saluki Strut!

Sideshow Mel: It's a mixed-use nightmare!

Marge Simpson: But you don't go to our church.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Granted, I do not share your faith. But the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal -- from me, not to take a life -- my life.

Captain Horatio McCallister: (DESPERATE) Without organized religion I've lost me moral compass. (BRANDISHES GUN) Also I've, uh, I've been addicted to Oxy for a while now... yar.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Now this is what I have got in mind...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (WHISPERING) I will whisper even though we are alone.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please do not call me a heathen. It offends Hanuman, the monkey-headed lord of winds, who believed the sun to be a ripe mango... Okay, I get it. I get why you say it.

Marge Simpson: Apu thinks we can get the money -- at the casino playing blackjack.

Helen Lovejoy: (GASPS) The casino?!

Agnes Skinner: Blackjack's for suckers. My brother? He used to own three Arby's franchises -- lost 'em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.

Agnes Skinner: What I told you was to wait in the car.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex... where I was recruited by a card-counting ring.

Ned Flanders: Am I hearing this right? Is the church council truly considering... gambling?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: You know Ned, the Bible never explicitly condemns gambling. Biblical folks were always playing games of chance, like uh... drawing lots.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (ROLLS EYES) Card counting is not gambling. It is math.

Marge Simpson: And it's not even against the rules.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Exactly. If you are caught you cannot be charged with any crime. The worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers... But what is a little pain if your church is to be saved!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: It is all good.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Counting cards requires absolute focus. You must ignore all casino distractions.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: And beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball-height cleavage! They're not attractive, but you cannot look away!

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES: Freshen your drink, hon? / Who had the scotch and soda? / Cocktails! Cocktails! / Another one hon?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (TO MEL) You -- what is the count?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Get your head in the game, Mel!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Remember, for this legal but-frowned-upon scheme to work, we must have complete secrecy. Do not tell anyone what you are doing.

Marge Simpson: Not even Homer?

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (TO MARGE, SIGHS) Homer is many things, but not a good accomplice. If he gets involved and this scheme fails, what happens to our church?

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED MURMUR) Even I saw that. (TO HERSELF) I guess I can't tell Homer.

Marge Simpson: Well, to raise money, we're... (LYING) putting on a revue.

Marge Simpson: Yeah, so, uh, I'm going out to rehearse... the revue.

Homer Simpson: Go, go make magic. You just go.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF) Revue...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Card counting is simple.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You all sit at different tables, betting low, playing hand after hand, "counting" in your head how many high cards are left in the deck.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Ignore all distractions!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: When the count is high, you have a "hot deck" and the odds are in your favor. Then, you use a secret signal to call in The Closer.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The Closer bets big, wins bigger, and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally-acceptable screw job.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: But use caution. There are eyes everywhere. Sooner or later, the casino will catch on...

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: What a haul!

Agnes Skinner: I think we can do something a little harder than that.

Sideshow Mel: Mmm! Now that's a marshmallow-y s'more-garita!

Homer Simpson: Oh boy oh boy.

Homer Simpson: One AM lovin' and two AM steak? Night marriage rules! (SIGHS) I guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue.

Marge Simpson: Huh? (GUILTY) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... the revue.

Homer Simpson: What are the skits about?

Marge Simpson: Uh... pop culture and current events.

Homer Simpson: How do you transition between scenes -- hard blackouts or spotlight fades?

Marge Simpson: Both.

Homer Simpson: Nice. (THINKS) You know, it wouldn't be a revue without songs. Tell me about one.

Marge Simpson: Okay... There's a song about, um... how Democrats and Republicans can't get along. (INSPIRED) It's called "Cats and Dogs."

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) You got yourself one hell of a show, Marge. One hell of a show.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers! You had one good night, but now the casino is on to you. They're not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables... unless you wear these.

Marge Simpson: (WORRIED) Disguises? I'm worried that our scam is becoming dishonest.

Ned Flanders: Why, I bet the Lord is pleased as punch that we're using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple. Our mission is one hundred percent pure.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Where has this been all my life?

Sideshow Mel: I could be Sideshow anyone!

Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) I'm telling mom about how the school freezer broke and they had to cook all the tater tots and the teachers took the extra tots home in manila envelopes!

Bart Simpson: I'm telling her!

Lisa Simpson: You never let me tell!

Bart Simpson: (CALLING) Mom, the freezer broke and--!

Lisa Simpson: (TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) Cook all the tater tots! / There were too many tots! / And the teachers took them home in manila envelopes! / I hate you!

Marge Simpson: Ok, Mel. I'll be at the casino by ten. Meet me at the lounge by the J. Geils cover band.

Bart Simpson: Are you... a hostess?

Marge Simpson: Actually... my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church.

Lisa Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED GASP) I can't believe you're gambling.

Marge Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) It's not gambling! It's math.

Bart Simpson: Is Dad in on this takedown?

Marge Simpson: It's not a takedown! And I haven't told him about it -- yet.

Marge Simpson: (FLATTERING) But it's okay for you guys to know, because you're finally grown-up enough to be trusted with adult information.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, we are grown up.

Lisa Simpson: (PROUD) I know how much to tip a waiter.

Bart Simpson: I go on hikes with my friends where we talk about our problems.

Marge Simpson: I'll tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money. But until then, I appreciate you keeping this very grown-up secret.

Marge Simpson: Homie, Homie, I can finally tell you how we really got the money...

Homer Simpson: (SCARED) Marge? Some casino guys have me, and they want the money you took from them, or else.

Marge Simpson: (QUICK HORRIFIED GASP) This is all my fault.

Homer Simpson: Just tell me one thing, Marge. Why did you lose faith in the revue? I mean, "Cats and Dogs" writes itself. (SINGING) CATS AND DOGS ON CAPITAL HILL / THEY DON'T GET ALONG AND NEVER WILL

Homer Simpson: (SINGING) CATS AND DOGS, SQUABBLE'S NEVER ENDING / EVEN WITH SO MUCH LEGISLATION PENDING!

Marge Simpson: Homie. How did you end up at the casino?

Homer Simpson: Well, I was taking a moment to enjoy my after dinner night cap...

Bart Simpson: Dad, mom trusted us with a secret--

Lisa Simpson: --but she hasn't come home yet and we're worried she's in trouble!

Lisa Simpson: Mom's counting cards at the casino!

Homer Simpson: If anything happens to Marge... (REALIZING, QUICK GASP) we'll all be orphans!

Homer Simpson: I'm comin' for ya baby!

Homer Simpson: Have you seen this woman? Have you? Have you seen my wife?

SECURITY THUG #1: This is your wife?

Homer Simpson: (DESPERATE) Do you know where she is?

SECURITY THUG #2: Uh, we'd like to ask you some questions in our "beating room."

Homer Simpson: All right, as long as it's just questions.

Marge Simpson: Reverend! Reverend! They took Homer!

Helen Lovejoy: (CALLING, SEDUCTIVE) Oh, Asphodel...

Helen Lovejoy: Your corpse bride is getting cold!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (CALLING) Uh, one second, Belladonna! (TO MARGE, SHEEPISH) Helen and I have found that, uh, these new personas have been quite liberating...

Helen Lovejoy: Was that a woman's voice? (SEDUCTIVE) Send her in!

Marge Simpson: If we don't give back the money we won counting cards, the casino people are going to hurt Homer!

Homer Simpson: (SCARED MOAN) Are you gonna put my head in a vise?

SECURITY THUG #1: We don't do that. We don't even have a vise.

SECURITY THUG #2: We just want the money your wife stole from us.

Homer Simpson: Stole? How is counting cards stealing?

SECURITY THUG #2: Well, it's not really stealing.

Homer Simpson: Is it even cheating?

SECURITY THUG #2: No, but-- it's just not allowed.

Homer Simpson: I don't get it. Football players can do the quarterback sneak, and baseball players can steal bases. Why can't I just remember which cards have been played?

SECURITY THUG #1: I can't take any more of this guy. Get the vise.

Homer Simpson: (SMUG) I knew you had a vise! I knew it!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I'm sorry, Marge. Maybe your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan.

Marge Simpson: God's plan?! God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us like we were pac men and dig dugs! God isn't Sky Police. God didn't do this. I lied to my husband, and made my kids lie too! We did this.

Ned Flanders: She's right. We thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed. But we were scathed! Those free ginger ales at the casino... I didn't declare them on my taxes!

Marge Simpson: I'm going to do what I should've done in the first place.

Sideshow Mel: Put on a revue?

Marge Simpson: (SIGHS) I don't know if you watch us all the time, or if we're just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf, and every once in a while you check out what kind of crazy tunnels we've built.

Marge Simpson: Maybe we got it all wrong praying for things we want and hoping we get them. Maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe. And I'm going to sit here and focus on that good, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get my husband back.

Marge Simpson: My family loves your microwave lasagnas.

Casino Manager: It's not my division. But I'll tell Bill Kelley you said so.

Marge Simpson: I want my husband back!

Casino Manager: Hm. Let me run it by Jennifer Yang. Oh wait, she's on maternity leave. Don't worry. I'm sure Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.

Casino Manager: We are going to release your husband.

Ned Flanders: See Marge, someone up in the sky did hear your prayers...

Marge Simpson: They sure did... casino management.

Casino Manager: You are free to leave as long as your faith-based card counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino.

Homer Simpson: No deal!

Marge Simpson: (SHOCKED) But we don't need to come back. We saved the church.

Homer Simpson: No! An injustice has gone on here for too long.

Homer Simpson: I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards. They're just playing the game by the rules!

Marge Simpson: Homie, after all this, do you still believe in God?

Homer Simpson: On a beautiful night like tonight... how could I not?

Lou: Next week on "Sky Police".

Chief Wiggum: Sky police!