Sky Police
The Springfield congregation turns to gambling to repair the church. ...
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Chief Wiggum: Um. Oh. Well... there's only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack -- the Sky Police!
Bart Simpson: God doesn't hear my prayers. If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper.
Homer Simpson: Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.
Gil Gunderson: (BUSINESS-LIKE) Don't worry, Reverend, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything but acts of God.
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: But we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Granted, I do not share your faith. But the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal -- from me, not to take a life -- my life.
Captain Horatio McCallister: (DESPERATE) Without organized religion I've lost me moral compass. (BRANDISHES GUN) Also I've, uh, I've been addicted to Oxy for a while now... yar.
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please do not call me a heathen. It offends Hanuman, the monkey-headed lord of winds, who believed the sun to be a ripe mango... Okay, I get it. I get why you say it.
Agnes Skinner: Blackjack's for suckers. My brother? He used to own three Arby's franchises -- lost 'em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex... where I was recruited by a card-counting ring.
Ned Flanders: Am I hearing this right? Is the church council truly considering... gambling?
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: You know Ned, the Bible never explicitly condemns gambling. Biblical folks were always playing games of chance, like uh... drawing lots.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Exactly. If you are caught you cannot be charged with any crime. The worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers... But what is a little pain if your church is to be saved!
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Counting cards requires absolute focus. You must ignore all casino distractions.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: And beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball-height cleavage! They're not attractive, but you cannot look away!
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES: Freshen your drink, hon? / Who had the scotch and soda? / Cocktails! Cocktails! / Another one hon?
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Remember, for this legal but-frowned-upon scheme to work, we must have complete secrecy. Do not tell anyone what you are doing.
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (TO MARGE, SIGHS) Homer is many things, but not a good accomplice. If he gets involved and this scheme fails, what happens to our church?
Marge Simpson: (WORRIED MURMUR) Even I saw that. (TO HERSELF) I guess I can't tell Homer.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: You all sit at different tables, betting low, playing hand after hand, "counting" in your head how many high cards are left in the deck.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: When the count is high, you have a "hot deck" and the odds are in your favor. Then, you use a secret signal to call in The Closer.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The Closer bets big, wins bigger, and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally-acceptable screw job.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: But use caution. There are eyes everywhere. Sooner or later, the casino will catch on...
Homer Simpson: One AM lovin' and two AM steak? Night marriage rules! (SIGHS) I guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue.
Homer Simpson: How do you transition between scenes -- hard blackouts or spotlight fades?
Homer Simpson: Nice. (THINKS) You know, it wouldn't be a revue without songs. Tell me about one.
Marge Simpson: Okay... There's a song about, um... how Democrats and Republicans can't get along. (INSPIRED) It's called "Cats and Dogs."
Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) You got yourself one hell of a show, Marge. One hell of a show.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers! You had one good night, but now the casino is on to you. They're not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables... unless you wear these.
Marge Simpson: (WORRIED) Disguises? I'm worried that our scam is becoming dishonest.
Ned Flanders: Why, I bet the Lord is pleased as punch that we're using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple. Our mission is one hundred percent pure.
Lisa Simpson: (EXCITED) I'm telling mom about how the school freezer broke and they had to cook all the tater tots and the teachers took the extra tots home in manila envelopes!
Lisa Simpson: (TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) Cook all the tater tots! / There were too many tots! / And the teachers took them home in manila envelopes! / I hate you!
Marge Simpson: Ok, Mel. I'll be at the casino by ten. Meet me at the lounge by the J. Geils cover band.
Marge Simpson: Actually... my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church.
Marge Simpson: (FLATTERING) But it's okay for you guys to know, because you're finally grown-up enough to be trusted with adult information.
Marge Simpson: I'll tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money. But until then, I appreciate you keeping this very grown-up secret.
Homer Simpson: (SCARED) Marge? Some casino guys have me, and they want the money you took from them, or else.
Homer Simpson: Just tell me one thing, Marge. Why did you lose faith in the revue? I mean, "Cats and Dogs" writes itself. (SINGING) CATS AND DOGS ON CAPITAL HILL / THEY DON'T GET ALONG AND NEVER WILL
Homer Simpson: (SINGING) CATS AND DOGS, SQUABBLE'S NEVER ENDING / EVEN WITH SO MUCH LEGISLATION PENDING!
Homer Simpson: If anything happens to Marge... (REALIZING, QUICK GASP) we'll all be orphans!
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: (CALLING) Uh, one second, Belladonna! (TO MARGE, SHEEPISH) Helen and I have found that, uh, these new personas have been quite liberating...
Marge Simpson: If we don't give back the money we won counting cards, the casino people are going to hurt Homer!
Homer Simpson: I don't get it. Football players can do the quarterback sneak, and baseball players can steal bases. Why can't I just remember which cards have been played?
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: I'm sorry, Marge. Maybe your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan.
Marge Simpson: God's plan?! God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us like we were pac men and dig dugs! God isn't Sky Police. God didn't do this. I lied to my husband, and made my kids lie too! We did this.
Ned Flanders: She's right. We thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed. But we were scathed! Those free ginger ales at the casino... I didn't declare them on my taxes!
Marge Simpson: (SIGHS) I don't know if you watch us all the time, or if we're just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf, and every once in a while you check out what kind of crazy tunnels we've built.
Marge Simpson: Maybe we got it all wrong praying for things we want and hoping we get them. Maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe. And I'm going to sit here and focus on that good, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get my husband back.
Casino Manager: Hm. Let me run it by Jennifer Yang. Oh wait, she's on maternity leave. Don't worry. I'm sure Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.
Casino Manager: You are free to leave as long as your faith-based card counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino.
Homer Simpson: I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards. They're just playing the game by the rules!
The Springfield congregation turns to gambling to repair the church. ...
(5 Clips)
Clip From S26/E16
Night Marriage
Homer and Marge have sex and eat steak late at night.
Clip From S26/E16
Homer is Tied Up
Homer gets kidnapped while searching for Marge at a casino.
Clip From S26/E16
Marge Prays
Marge prays in the middle of a casino.
Clip From S26/E16
Sky Police
Chief Wiggum has a jetpack.
Clip From S26/E16
Counting Cards
Marge, Ned, Agnes, Mel, Lovejoy and Helen count cards at a casino