Homer Simpson: (GRUMBLE) Oh, why do they have to put all this crud in my newspaper? (DISCARDS SECTIONS, CONTEMPTUOUS) "World"... "The Arts"... "Religion" (PLEASED) Aha! Here it is: "Kickin' Back!"

Homer Simpson: Hey, who cut something out of my paper?

Lisa Simpson: Not me.

Bart Simpson: Not me. I'm more of a mail-tamperer.

Marge Simpson: Well, don't look at me... (EVASIVE) just because I'm holding a pair of scissors. (BEAT) Scissors which I need... to uh... to gussy-up these curtains.

Homer Simpson: Hello? Oh, hi, Lenny... No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon?

Homer Simpson: (YELLS) Where? To the big annual what?

Homer Simpson: Lenny? Aw, well. If it was big and annual I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, it's a lazy dog-dangling afternoon. (MUSING) But something's a little off...

Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge, you don't smoke!

Marge Simpson: (COVERING) Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco. (COUGH)

Homer Simpson: (LOW WHISTLE) You're nuts. (HIS NOSE CRINKLES) I gotta get some fresh air.

Marge Simpson: No, Homie, wait!

Homer Simpson: What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from m-- (STOPS, SNIFFS) What's that smell? Onions... Chili powder... Cumin... Juicy ground chuck... (REALIZING) It's chili! Oh my God, I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off!

Homer Simpson: I'm missing the Cook-Off! It's going on right now and I'm missin' it!

Marge Simpson: All right, I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunk as a poet on payday. Remember last year?

Homer Simpson: (DRUNKENLY) Look at me! I'm a puffy pink cloud!

Homer Simpson: Oh, well, of course... everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? Ah!

Marge Simpson: Okay, we'll go to the Chili Cook-Off. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer.

Homer Simpson: (TESTY) Okay, quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer. Geez, why don't you have a cigarette or something?

Marge Simpson: (TEMPTED) Mmm, I suppose I could...

Lisa Simpson: I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat.

Bart Simpson: I'm gonna go claim some valuables at the Lost and Found.

Marge Simpson: Ooh, look at that adorable spice rack!

Marge Simpson: Eight spices! Oh, some must be doubles. (READS A BOTTLE, BEFUDDLED) "Or-uh-GAHN-o?" What the hell...?

Homer Simpson: (WHINY) Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy!

Marge Simpson: Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face.

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED, PUT-UPON) Fine. I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun.

Marge Simpson: (SOURLY) Remember your promise: no drinking.

Homer Simpson: (MUTTERING TO SELF) Stupor Pooper.

HELEN: (CATTY) Howdy howdy, Marge and Hom-- oh, my mistake, Homer's not even with you! Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments." (LAUGHS)

Marge Simpson: (DRYLY) Thank you for your concern, Helen. Homer isn't drinking today.

HELEN: Oh. I think it's lovely that he said that... and that you believed him!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge-drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

Otto Mann: Oh, man, he's here! The dude with the fireproof stomach!

Various Onlookers: (OOH'S AND AHH'S) The spoon!

Lenny Leonard: (HUSHED) They say he carved it himself, from a bigger spoon.

Homer Simpson: Five-alarm chili, eh?

Ned Flanders: Um-hm.

Homer Simpson: (TASTES IT) One... two... (FROWNS) Hey, what's the big idea?

Ned Flanders: (BUSTED) Oh, I admit it! It's only two-alarm -- two-and-a-half tops! I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.

Todd Flanders: (WORRIED) Daddy, are you going to jail?

Ned Flanders: (GRIM) We'll see, son. We'll see.

Waylon Smithers: (JOHN WAYNE IMPRESSION) Evenin', little lady. Do you reckon a square could get a dance?

Marge Simpson: (INDECISIVE MURMUR) It looks so complicated... Do you know how?

Waylon Smithers: Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.

Marge Simpson: Woo-woo!

Homer Simpson: (SMACKING LIPS REFLECTIVELY) Hmmm. A bland, timid entry -- suitable, perhaps, for patients recovering from surgery. Heh, heh, heh.

Chief Wiggum: That Simpson, he thinks he's the Pope of Chilitown. Well, this year I am ready for him!

Homer Simpson: (DRAMATICALLY) Hello, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: (VENEER OF CIVILITY) Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. (SUDDENLY SINISTER) The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! (KWET-ZIL-ZAKA-TEN-ONGO)

Chief Wiggum: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Homer Simpson: (DISMISSIVE) Uh, Wiggy...? My chili's gettin' cold.

Homer Simpson: (GASPING & PANTING) Hot! Hot! (ETC.)

Homer Simpson: (FRENZIED BEER REQUESTS) Beer! Gimme some beer!

Marge Simpson: (SHARPLY) Homer!

Marge Simpson: (MAD) You promised you wouldn't drink!

Homer Simpson: (DEFIANT AND WHINY) But I need it!

Homer Simpson: Aw, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss...

Ralph Wiggum: Wait, mister! You're drinking a candle!

Ralph Wiggum: You don't wanna get wax in your mouth, do you?

Homer Simpson: (GETTING AN IDEA) Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.

Homer Simpson: (LOCKJAWED) Outstanding.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, everybody, look who's back! It's the biiig baby! (MOCKING) Oh, this porridge is too hot! Oh, waah waah waah!

Chief Wiggum: Want some more, do ya? Well, sure! Heck, it's not my job to talk people outta killin' themselves...

Homer Simpson: (COCKY, STILL LOCKJAWED) More, please.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Good Lord! This can't be happening!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shootin' out of his ears!

Krusty the Clown: His ears if we're lucky!

Homer Simpson: Well, Chief, don't quit your day job... heh, heh, heh... whatever that is.

Homer Simpson: Heh, heh! My finest hour! (THEN, POUTING:) And Marge wasn't even here to see it.

Homer Simpson: (TIMIDLY) Ooh. I don't feel so good.

Homer Simpson: Flanders! You gotta help me!

Ned Flanders: (CHUCKLES) Sure, buddy, I'd be happy to...

Ned Flanders: (DISTORTING WILDLY) ...help out. What can I do-diddily-do...diddily-doodily-diddily-hoobily-hobbily-hibbily-gooble-gobble-gooble-gooble-gabba-gabba-hey?

Jasper Beardly: Goo-goo-ga-joob?

Nelson Muntz: (CROW-LIKE) Haw! Haw!... Haw! Haw!

Ralph Wiggum: Hey, mister, do you need some hel--

Otto Mann: (SAGELY) Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Homer Simpson: What's happening to me? Okay, retrace your steps... woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I -- (DAWNING) Ohhhh.

Homer Simpson: Where am I? Shelbyville?

Homer Simpson: (LOOKS AROUND) Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I'd better check my pupils...

Homer Simpson: (THUNDERSTRUCK) Oh... kay. I think I'm gonna be leaving now.

Homer Simpson: Huh? Sunrise, sunset... Sunrise, sunset... (SINGS) SUNRISE, SUNSET / SUNRISE, SUNSET... (ETC.)

Homer Simpson: (GULP) Note to self: stop doing anything.

Marge Simpson: Has anyone seen Homer?

HELEN: Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor -- Homer made a total jackass of himself.

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs.

HELEN: Oh, but someone had to tell her. And I got here first!

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Helen, zip it! Zip!

Helen Lovejoy: Oh, please... Tim!...

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Ziparoo!

Marge Simpson: No beer, huh? (ANGRY MURMUR) I guess I know what a promise from Homer J. Simpson is worth.

Homer Simpson: (THREATENING) Hey buddy! Get back there with the other rocks!

Homer Simpson: Huh? A tortoise?

Homer Simpson: Follow... the... (GASP) This must be why I'm here! Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up!

Homer Simpson: Get moving, you stupid... When I'm kicking you, that means "hurry up". Come on!

Homer Simpson: Oh. You want me to climb that, huh? No problemo.

Homer Simpson: (GROANS) This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it?

Bart Simpson: Lis, check it out. (POINTS TO HAT) Time for chili.

Lisa Simpson: (UNINTERESTED) I saw it, Bart.

Bart Simpson: You're just mad cause there's no clock in your hat.

Lisa Simpson: What hat?

Bart Simpson: Aw, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you. Where's Homer?

Marge Simpson: (BITTER) Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi. (LOW) Or a police car.

Homer Simpson: (PANTING) Marge! Thank God you're here! Where's the car?

Homer Simpson: Marge? (BEAT) Marge? (GROUCHY) Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad.

Homer Simpson: (PANICKY) Come on, Marge! Will you... Fight fair! I never do this to you!

Homer Simpson: (FRUSTRATED) Talk to me!!

Homer Simpson: (AT WIT'S END) Aw, I hate this place! Why am I here?!

Voice: You are on a quest for knowledge.

Homer Simpson: Who said that?

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.

Homer Simpson: Hiya.

Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.

Homer Simpson: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.

Coyote: No, I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away, with a thousand thoughts at once.

Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right.

Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.

Homer Simpson: But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?

Coyote: (SNORTS) Are you kidding? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer!

Homer Simpson: (MUSING) You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey, and I would -- Hey!!

Homer Simpson: Knock it off!

Coyote: (LETTING GO) Sorry. (DEFENSIVE) I am a coyote...

Homer Simpson: (IMPATIENT) Look, just gimme some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya.

Coyote: (SAGELY) Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness. So listen well: To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate.

Homer Simpson: Soul mate?

Coyote: Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond... a profound, mystical understanding.

Homer Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED) That's it? Well, that's Marge. Big deal. (SARCASTIC) Great spiritual quest, wolfie. My soul mate is Marge.

Coyote: (ENIGMATIC) Is it?

Homer Simpson: Hey, wait! Come back!... (MOANS)

Homer Simpson: (FROZEN WITH FEAR, YELPS) A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way!... Now less!... Now none!

Kent Brockman: Hey, get off the course, you bum! Security!

Homer Simpson: Wha? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap... (LOOKS AROUND) Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the Pro Shop!

Homer Simpson: And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.

Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.

Homer Simpson: Hey, wait a minute. There's no such thing as a talking dog.

Homer Simpson: Damn straight.

Bart Simpson: So then I says to Mabel, I says...

Homer Simpson: Hi, kids.

Bart Simpson: (TO LISA) I'll finish this later. (TO HOMER) Hi, Dad.

Homer Simpson: Where's your mother?

Lisa Simpson: Out back.

Bart Simpson: So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says...

Homer Simpson: Hi, honey.

Homer Simpson: (SING-SONG) Uh-oh. I guess you're cranky because I didn't come home last night...

Marge Simpson: (WITHOUT TURNING) (TEETH GRITTED) I'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer.

Homer Simpson: (SWEETLY) Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world. (BEAT, NO RESPONSE) C'mon, you gotta believe me. You're my soul mate.

Marge Simpson: Don't "soul mate" me!

Homer Simpson: (TINY VOICE) Okay.

Homer Simpson: (TROUBLED) That coyote said my soul mate would understand me, but Marge doesn't understand me at all. Maybe we're not kindred spirits. We don't have anything in common...

Homer Simpson: Look at these records! Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers! Now look at her records... They stink! (SIGH) Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason...

Homer Simpson: Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.

Homer Simpson: ...I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Furniture Salesman: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Barney! Soul mate! Let me buy you a beer.

Barney Gumble: Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.

Homer Simpson: Well what about you, Lenny?

Lenny Leonard: (HELPFUL) I'm a crony.

Homer Simpson: Carl?

Carl Carlson: I'd say acquaintance.

Sam: Call me sympathizer.

Bumblebee Man: Compadre.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Associate.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Contemporary.

Moe Szyslak: I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Homer Simpson: Hello? Is this G-B-M? Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soul mate and, well, I also like rainy days and movies. (BEAT, LISTENS) Uh huh... (PLEASANT) uh, no, I don't like that. (LISTENS) Or that. (LISTENS) No, it's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye. (MOANS) Oh, I give up.

Coyote: Find your soul mate, Homer. Find your soul mate.

Homer Simpson: Where? Where?!

Coyote: This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

Homer Simpson: Huh. What's that blinking light?

Homer Simpson: (HOPEFUL GASP) The lighthouse keeper!

Homer Simpson: The loneliest man in the world! He'll understand me!

Homer Simpson: (PANTS) Earl. My new friend's name is Earl!

Homer Simpson: Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl....

Homer Simpson: A machine? Earl's a machine. (CRAZILY SARCASTIC) Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soul mate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot! Oh, wow!

Bart Simpson: Hey, look! Is that Dad?

Lisa Simpson: Either that or Batman has really let himself go.

Homer Simpson: Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Homer Simpson: A ship! A ship with people! I know... I'll bring them to me! And then they'll have to be my friends!

Homer Simpson: Come here, people! (TRIUMPHANT LAUGH)

Captain Horatio McCallister: Arr, Matey, nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.

First Mate: Uh... would that be the hotpants, sir?

Captain Horatio McCallister: (THOUGHTFUL) Aye... the hotpants.

Homer Simpson: (GLEEFUL LAUGH) Well, I won't be lonely for long....

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, thank goodness you're safe!

Homer Simpson: Marge?

Marge Simpson: I woke up and you weren't there, and I was so worried...

Homer Simpson: Really? You were? (BEAT) But how did you find me?

Marge Simpson: Well, I was sure you'd be on foot, because you always say public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd head west, because Springfield slopes down that way. And then I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights... like the one on the waffle iron...

Homer Simpson: Or that little guy on the "Don't Walk" sign.

Marge Simpson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soul mates because...

Marge Simpson: (FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) ...we had a fight?

Homer Simpson: Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus...

Marge Simpson: ...and you're from Mars.

Homer Simpson: Oh, sure. Give me the one with all the monsters.

Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin-deep...

Homer Simpson: (REALIZING) ...But our sames go right down to the bone. Maybe we do have a...

Marge Simpson: ...a profound mystical understanding?

Homer Simpson: (ECSTATIC) Hey... we do! Oh, Marge!

Homer Simpson: We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote!

Marge Simpson: (TO SELF) Space coyote?

Homer Simpson: Omigod! The ship!

Marge Simpson: (GASP) We'll all be killed!

Homer Simpson: The light! We gotta get the light back on!

Captain Horatio McCallister: (FURIOUS CURSE) Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard a-starboard!

First Mate: (QUIETLY) Um, port.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Aye, port.

Homer Simpson: They see us! They're starting to turn!

Marge Simpson: We did it!

Homer Simpson: We sure did... soul mate.

Chief Wiggum: (LOW WHISTLE) Look at all them hot pants!

Lenny Leonard: Hey! Who likes short shorts?

Crowd: We like short shorts!