Waylon Smithers: Good morning, Sir. Care for some coffee?

C. Montgomery Burns: No, the promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me.

C. Montgomery Burns: (VERY WEAKLY) Smithers, coffee...

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah! We need some excitement around here!

Waylon Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?

C. Montgomery Burns: No, no, something fun. Something the men will enjoy (GETTING IDEA) like a safety drill! But what kind?

C. Montgomery Burns: Eh, meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? (DECISION) Ah, I think a good old fashioned fire drill today.

Carl Carlson: Alright, popcorn's ready!

Homer Simpson: Hey, that's the fire alarm!

Carl Carlson: We gotta get outta here!

Lenny Leonard: Wait for me! (TO CUP, IMPATIENTLY) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

1st Panicked Employee: Get out of my way!

2nd Panicked Employee: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! (ETC.)

C. Montgomery Burns: (FROWNING) Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?

Waylon Smithers: 45 seconds.

C. Montgomery Burns: And what's our time so far?

Waylon Smithers: I don't know, sir. The... this stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.

C. Montgomery Burns: Damnation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me? (BRIGHTENING) Ah, here comes one of our fellows now.

Homer Simpson: (PANTING BUT HAPPY) I think I won, Mr. Burns.

C. Montgomery Burns: (OMINOUSLY) Yes, you won all right. You won more than you bargained for.

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

C. Montgomery Burns: What a disgraceful display. I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.

Carl Carlson: (POINTING AT LENNY) Maybe he does, but I don't.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, you take that back!

Carl Carlson: No, you take that back!

Homer Simpson: Hit 'em, Carl! You too, Lenny!

Homer Simpson: So Burns is going to make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.

Bart Simpson: Teamwork is overrated.

Homer Simpson: Huh?

Bart Simpson: Think about it. I mean, what "team" was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?

Lisa Simpson: Yankees.

Bart Simpson: Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Homer Simpson: Hmmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, but I think we have to go on the retreat anyway.

Homer Simpson: (CHEERFUL) Well, here we are.

C. Montgomery Burns: All right. Let me start off by telling you this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which... did you bring your family, Simpson?

Homer Simpson: Uh... yes sir. I thought I was supposed to.

C. Montgomery Burns: (DISGUSTED) Imbecile. Simpson, your family will have to remain here.

Marge Simpson: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun.

Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

Ranger: Well, see ya. (EXITS)

Waylon Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.

Homer Simpson: (RAISES HAND) Uh, I lost my map.

Waylon Smithers: You haven't been issued a map yet. When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately priced champagne.

C. Montgomery Burns: Now as an added incentive, the second to last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "World's Worst Employee" trophy.

Homer Simpson: Hey, this sounds like fun.

C. Montgomery Burns: And the last team to arrive will be fired.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES; THEN:) Uh-oh.

C. Montgomery Burns: And to show that I'm not playing favorites, both Smithers and I will be participating. Who knows? I might be the unlucky one who gets fired. (MUTTER) Not bloody likely.

Waylon Smithers: I've placed all your names in this hat--

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Oooh.

Waylon Smithers: Thank you. Now pair off as I draw your names. (DRAWS NAMES FROM HAT) Lenny and... Carl.

Carl Carlson: Aw, nuts-- (STOPPING HIMSELF) I mean, uh... (GIVING UP) Aw, nuts.

Waylon Smithers: Fong and... Zutroy... (THROUGH DISSOLVE:) Kimball and... Dawson... Haney and... Drucker...

Waylon Smithers: Simpson and... (SURPRISED) Burns?

Homer's Brain: Quiet, you fool. You're on the one team that can't possibly be fired.

Waylon Smithers: (SOTTO, TO BURNS) Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.

Waylon Smithers: (SNIPPY) Why do we always fight on vacation? (LOOKS IN HAT) Now there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is... (QUICKLY AND QUIETLY) ...Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect.

C. Montgomery Burns: Prepare for the adventure of a lifetime as you fight for survival against the merciless forces of nature! Toe your marks, get set, go!

C. Montgomery Burns: Ready, Mr. Burns?

C. Montgomery Burns: One moment.

Smokey Bear: (MECHANICAL BEAR VOICE) Only who can prevent forest fires?

Smokey Bear: You pressed "you", referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Bart Simpson: Mom, can Lisa and I play outside, away from the bear?

Marge Simpson: Okay, but when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in.

Waylon Smithers: (BUILDING ANGER) How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony old behind!

Smithers's Echo: Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind!

Smithers's Echo: (A LITTLE QUIETER) Bony old behind!

C. Montgomery Burns: (FLATTERED) Why, thank you, Simpson. I have been watching my figure.

Bart Simpson: (SNEAKY CHUCKLE, THEN) Lis, Lis, come here! I found two snowflakes that are exactly alike!

Lisa Simpson: Really? Let me see!

Bart Simpson: Oops. Sorry.

Lisa Simpson: Hi, Mr. Smithers!

Waylon Smithers: (SARCASTIC) Oh great, it's the Bobbsey twins. Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere.

Waylon Smithers: Oh, I'm sorry. It hasn't been a good day. If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired.

Lisa Simpson: We'll help you.

Bart Simpson: (HELPFUL) I have a watch with a minute hand.

Waylon Smithers: (SIGHS) All right. You can come. What time is it?

Bart Simpson: (LOOKING) 12:80. (LOOKING AGAIN) No, wait. Wait. Wh-- what comes after twelve?

Waylon Smithers: One.

Bart Simpson: No, after twelve.

C. Montgomery Burns: Tell me, Simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it would you?

Homer Simpson: (CAREFULLY) Uh, not as such.

C. Montgomery Burns: Neither would I. I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called "cheating".

Homer Simpson: (STILL CAREFUL) Yes, lotta hysteria...

C. Montgomery Burns: Mmm-hmm. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself.

Homer Simpson: (POWERFULLY) Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!

C. Montgomery Burns: (RUBBING HANDS) Excellent.

C. Montgomery Burns: And to do so, I propose we travel by...

C. Montgomery Burns: Horseless sleigh.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Wow. You sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns.

C. Montgomery Burns: (MODESTLY) Yes, well, I'm older than you. You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.

Homer Simpson: No sir. I am not.

Marge Simpson: Bart? Lisa?

Marge Simpson: Hello?

Narrator: The story of our National Parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let John Muir tell the tale.

Marge Simpson: Excuse me, sir. I can't find my children.

Ranger: Have you checked the woods?

Marge Simpson: No.

Ranger: Hmm. Follow me.

Ranger: We'll take the chair-lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair-lift.

Ranger: Well, I won't lie to you, ma'am. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.

Lisa Simpson: (CHIPPER) Hi, Mom!

Marge Simpson: There they are! Let me down here.

Ranger: Uh, sorry. There's no way off 'til we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED MURMUR) (THEN, CALLING OUT) All right, kids. We'll meet you at the top. Just be careful!

Ranger: Eh, I'm actually a little more concerned about us. Um, do you know how to weld?

Homer Simpson: That worked sooo well.

C. Montgomery Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive. What say we get comfy?

C. Montgomery Burns: (THROWS SWITCH) Now we have electricity. (TURNS LEVER) This propane tank will supply us with heat, and this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) No going through the window for us!

Bart Simpson: Is there maple syrup in this one?

Waylon Smithers: (FLUSTERED) There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please Bart, we've got to hurry. I can't be the last one to reach the cabin.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain?

Waylon Smithers: (EXASPERATED SPUTTERING; THEN:) It doesn't matter.

Bart Simpson: I'll check.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!

Waylon Smithers: (FRUSTRATED NOISE) Twisted a... Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?

C. Montgomery Burns: Well, I don't suppose the others will mind us starting the party early, Homie old boy. More champagne?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.

C. Montgomery Burns: (WISTFULLY) Oh, yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Homer Simpson: Oh, these sure are comfortable chairs.

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?

Homer Simpson: Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?

C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, yes! That's it! Oh, I could go for one of those right now!

C. Montgomery Burns: (RELAXED SOUND) The only hard part is getting up.

Homer Simpson: (LITTLE CHUCKLE) Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with. Say I want that bowl of dip.

C. Montgomery Burns: (INFOMERCIAL STOOGE VOICE) Why, you'd have to get up.

Homer Simpson: Oh?

C. Montgomery Burns: Sir, I am in your debt.

Homer Simpson: Use it wisely, my friend.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, did you hear something?

Carl Carlson: No.

Lenny Leonard: Hmm. Did I?

Carl Carlson: (GETTING PISSED) I don't know.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hope that wasn't an avalanche. Be a chum and have a look-see.

Homer Simpson: You got it, buddy.

C. Montgomery Burns: (GETTING ANXIOUS) Isn't there any way out of here?

Homer Simpson: Um, I don't see one. Unless...

Homer Simpson: No. There's no way out.

C. Montgomery Burns: There must be some way to contact the outside world. (LOOKS AROUND) Ah, the telegraph.

C. Montgomery Burns: (WHILE TAPPING) S-O-S. Avalanche... Send... Help...

Carl Carlson: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them um, metaphorical things.

Carl Carlson: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.

Lenny Leonard: (GETTING IT) Ohhhh. (THINKING) Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.

C. Montgomery Burns: Simpson, I have a confession. I'm not quite the tunnel digger I made myself out to be.

Homer Simpson: You can supervise me.

C. Montgomery Burns: (EXCITED) All right, good. Let's dig... That's right, dig some more... Oh, we make quite a duo: Burns and associate. (CATCHING SELF) No, no, what am I thinking? Burns and... teammate.

C. Montgomery Burns: We made it, old friend!

Homer Simpson: We sure did!

C. Montgomery Burns: Woooo-hoooo! / Huzzah!

C. Montgomery Burns: What happened? (AVALANCHE)

Homer Simpson: I think when we yelled we caused another avalanche. (AVALANCHE)

C. Montgomery Burns: (QUIETLY AND CAREFULLY) We... should... be... careful... not... to... speak... unless... it's... absolutely... positively... necessary. (BIG AVALANCHE)

Homer Simpson: Shhh! (SMALL AVALANCHE) (QUIETLY) You're causing more avalanches. (SMALL AVALANCHE).

Homer Simpson: I (AVALANCHE) think (AVALANCHE) they've (AVALANCHE) stopped. (LONG BEAT. THEN, AVALANCHE).

C. Montgomery Burns: Let's go. (AVALANCHE)

C. Montgomery Burns: (ANNOYED GRUNT) Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (TOUGH) So what?

C. Montgomery Burns: (TOUGH) Sew buttons.

Carl Carlson: Oh, there's not another place for miles. This must be the cabin Burns was talking about.

Lenny Leonard: Well, we made it here first, all thanks to teamwork.

Carl Carlson: Yeah, my teamwork.

C. Montgomery Burns: We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.

Homer Simpson: It could be days before they find us.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hmmm... no books, no radio, no board games. Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic.

C. Montgomery Burns: Ech! I heard that one 75 years ago.

Homer Simpson: (BEAT) We could build snowmen.

C. Montgomery Burns: No, I have a better idea! We could build real men. Out of snow.

Homer Simpson: (HUMORING BURNS) Oh... Okay.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!

Waylon Smithers: (FED UP) Fine. Good. I don't care anymore. I'm the last one here. You kids cost me my job.

Lenny Leonard: You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.

Waylon Smithers: Oh, thank goodness.

Carl Carlson: Yeah. Burnsie and Homer never made it.

Waylon Smithers: Mr. Burns is still out there?

Lisa Simpson: (GASP) What about our dad?!

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah. 206 bones... fifty miles of small intestine... full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god.

C. Montgomery Burns: (DUSTING HANDS WITH SATISFACTION) Well, we've managed to stave off cabin fever for a few hours.

C. Montgomery Burns: I... I think we should dress the snowmen.

Homer Simpson: (QUICKLY) Agreed.

C. Montgomery Burns: (RE: SNOWMEN) Look at them. Smug and secure in their finery. Mocking us.

Homer Simpson: Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.

C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for our moment of weakness and then baff! comes the knock on the head and we're down.

Homer Simpson: (GETTING PANICKED) What do we do?

C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, wouldn't you like to know.

Ranger: (IRATE) Hey, what is going on here? Who are you people? This is a lookout post. Where's Ranger McFadden?

Drunk Man: (SLURRING DRUNK) I was jush happy to see so many nice people...

Ranger: Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?

McFadden: Right here, sir. Right behind the drunk.

Waylon Smithers: Wait a minute. If this is a ranger station, we must be in the wrong place.

Ranger: The only other cabin is right over there. (BEAT, PUZZLED) Huh...

McFadden: (WHISTLES) Look at all these avalanches. Do you think they could've buried the cabin?

Ranger: (HARD-BOILED) Well I'll tell ya one thing: They didn't come here for the Mountain Music Festival. (INFORMATIVE TO CROWD) March 14-18.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, Dad and Mr. Burns could be trapped in there!

Mr. Burns's Thoughts: I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.

Homer's Brain: Mmm. Look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.

Mr. Burns's Thoughts: (GASPS) I know what he's up to! He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first.

C. Montgomery Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery.

Homer Simpson: You and what army?

Homer Simpson: (GASPS, THEN SCARED) Stay back! (THINKING) I have powers! (TRYING TO BE INTIMIDATING) Uh, political powers!

Abraham Lincoln: (MENACINGLY) It's showtime!

C. Montgomery Burns: (PANICKED) Homer!

Homer Simpson: (PANICKED) Burnsie!

Ranger: Okay, search party. Before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. (TO BART & LISA) Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. (TO CROWD) Okay, everybody, put on your corpse handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

Bart Simpson: Did you hear that, Lis? Dad's gonna be just fine.

Lisa Simpson: Look! What's that?!!

C. Montgomery Burns: (PANICKED) We'll be dashed to pieces.

Homer Simpson: (PRAYING, WORRIED) Oh Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

Waylon Smithers: (LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS) It's them all right.

Marge Simpson: (WAVING) We're over here, Homie!

Lenny Leonard: Oh, something's wrong with its brakes! Gangway!

Homer Simpson: (CALMLY GREETING) Marge, kids.

C. Montgomery Burns: (CLEARS THROAT) Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired.

Employees: Me first! / No, me! / Out my way! / Etc.

C. Montgomery Burns: You're fired, Lenny.

Lenny Leonard: Aw, nuts.

C. Montgomery Burns: So how did we do?

Waylon Smithers: It's a new record, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Outstanding. Well, perhaps all of this has been worthwhile. (TO EMPLOYEES) Did you all learn about teamwork?

Employees: (FLATLY) Yes.

C. Montgomery Burns: Excellent. In that case, no one will be fired after all.

Lenny Leonard: (DRUNK, TO HIMSELF) That old goat can't fire me. I'm going to give him a piece of my...

Lenny Leonard: (VERY DISTANT) Aw, nuts.

C. Montgomery Burns: (JOVIAL) Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.

Homer Simpson: (GOOD NATUREDLY) You said it, ya weirdo.