Krusty the Clown: (Krusty LAUGH) I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for another fanshmabulous episode of Itchy and Scratchy!

Marge Simpson: (CONFUSED) Kids? (A LITTLE QUIETER) Kids?

Marge Simpson: You're missing the Itchy and Scratchy Show! Don't you like it anymore?

Lisa Simpson: Sure, we love it! But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?

Bart Simpson: Yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too, but God knows we don't need to see you every day.

Marge Simpson: An occasional hug is all I ask.

Bart Simpson: (ANNOYED) Mo-om, you can hug me when I'm asleep.

Marge Simpson: I do.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great! Ya get your teeth bleached?

Krusty the Clown: (PLEASED) Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment-- (CATCHING HIMSELF) Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your Itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinkin' up my ratings. Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show.

Krusty the Clown: (AS HE POINTS IN THE GRAPH) (APPROVING SOUND) (APPROVING SOUND) (APPROVING SOUND) Kaboom!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?

Krusty the Clown: See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- (CATCHING HIMSELF) Hey, shut up! (POINTING) That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: But Itchy and Scratchy is critically acclaimed-

Krusty the Clown: Acclaimed? (SPITS) I oughtta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon where the robots turn into, blingwads. But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger...So I'll give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back 'til you've fixed Itchy and Scratchy!

Miss Lois Pennycandy: (BRIGHTLY) Okay, Mel, you can go in now.

Sideshow Mel: (ENTERING) Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock and Roll Museum-- (FUMFERS, THEN) I'll come back later.

Marge Simpson: I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department.

Bart Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED MOAN) Can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?

Marge Simpson: Mmm... okay. Just be careful.

Man: Would you kids like to come with me?

Lisa Simpson: Ok. / Guess so. / Sounds good to me./ Let's go. (ETC.)

Moderator: Hi. Thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're going to show you some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.

Lisa Simpson: Wow! / Alright! / Cool! (ETC.)

Moderator: We want you to tell us what you think -- and be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you.

Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?

Moderator: Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror. Y'know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.

Moderator: Now you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right.

Moderator: When you don't like what you see, turn it left.

Ralph Wiggum: (RAISING HAND; KNOB IN MOUTH) My knob tastes funny.

Moderator: Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, quit it!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: They like Itchy. They like Scratchy. One kid seems to love the speedo man. What more do they want?

Moderator: Okay. How many of you kids would like Itchy and Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?

Lisa Simpson: Me! / I would! / (ETC.)

Moderator: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?

Lisa Simpson: Me! / I would! / (ETC.)

Moderator: (DUBIOUS) So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots.

Milhouse Van Houten: And also you should win things by watching.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids -- 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!

Ralph Wiggum: (SOBS) Mommy!

Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy and Scratchy show -- it's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: That's it. That's it, little girl!! You've saved Itchy and Scratchy!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy and Scratchy.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It is so simple, you egghead writers woulda never thought of it. What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!

Writer #1: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, this ain't art, it's business! (TO MYERS) What do you got in mind -- sexy broad? Gangster octopus?

Roger Meyers, Jr.: No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat... DOG. D-O-G.

Writer #2: A dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?

Executive: In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.

Writer #1: You mean Cerberus?

Executive: (LOOKS BLANK; BEAT) We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. He's in-your-face. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy?" Well this is a dog who gets biz-zay. Consistently and thoroughly.

Krusty the Clown: So he's proactive, huh?

Executive: Oh God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.

Writer #3: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm" -- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. (BEAT) I'm fired, aren't I?

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know, something along the lines of, say... Poochie. Only more proactive.

Krusty the Clown: Yeah.

Writer #1: So, Poochie okay with everybody?

Writing Staff: (AD LIB) Yeah / Whatever / You know, it's good / (ETC.)

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (ANNOYED) No, no, no. He was supposed to have attitude.

Head Animator: Um, wh-wh-what do you mean, exactly?

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Oh, you know, attitude, attitude! (FUMFERS) Sunglasses.

Executive: Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?

Krusty the Clown: Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Gimme a nice shmear of surfer.

Executive: I feel we should rasta-fy him by ten percent or so.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Mmm, I think he needs a little more attitude.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: I love it!

Bart Simpson: Hey Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy and Scratchy! (READING; DUBIOUS) "Poochie the Dog?"

Lisa Simpson: Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

Roy: Yo yo! How's it hangin', everybody?

Marge Simpson: 'Morning, Roy!

Homer Simpson: Yeah, hi, Roy. (THEN) Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie.

Lisa Simpson: You should try out, Dad. You have a funny voice.

Homer Simpson: I do not!

Bart Simpson: Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?

Homer Simpson: I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.

Bart Simpson: Well, here. Say something.

Homer Simpson: (SLICK D.J. VOICE) Hey, this is Homer Simpson sayin' "Howdy" to all the girls out there in radioland.

Homer Simpson: Hey, this is Homer Simpson sayin'-- (SMALL SCREAM) I don't sound like that, do I? (DEPRESSED) Oh, I don't like having such a hilarious voice.

Bart Simpson: That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.

Otto Mann: (LOOKING AT SCRIPT, BLOWN AWAY) Whoa, a talking dog! (CHUCKLE) What were you guys smoking when you came up with that?

David Cohen: (SERIOUS) We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please?

Otto Mann: (READING) "Ruff, Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog!"

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (IMPRESSED) You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap.

Troy McClure: "Ruff Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog!" Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp."

Roger Meyers, Jr.: You're even better than this guy!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Take a hike, you bum!

Homer Simpson: (CLEARS THROAT) "Ruff Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog."

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Now that's just bad. You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous, and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face. Next.

Homer Simpson: (MOCKING) Oh, "no attitude," eh? Not "in-your-face," huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, Ugly!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (EXCITED) That's it! That's the Poochie attitude!! Do that again!

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED) Huh? I can't. I don't remember what I did.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Then you don't get the job. Next!

Homer Simpson: (MOCKING) Oh, I don't get the job, do I? (SARCASTIC) Well, boo-hoo, I don't get to be a cartoon dog.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: That's it! You've got the job!

Homer Simpson: (MOCKING) Oh, now I got the job, huh? (THEN, SINCERE) Oh. Thank you.

Sound Engineer: Okay, Homer. Let's get a level check on your voice.

Homer Simpson: (NOT GETTING IT RIGHT) She smells sheet smells by the sheet store. (NERVOUS) Wait, wait. Lemme try it again.

June: Relax, Homer, you'll do fine. (EXTENDING HER HAND) I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.

Homer Simpson: (CONFUSED) You? But you're a lady.

June: (ITCHY VOICE) She's a lady, all right. (SCRATCHY VOICE) A beauuutiful lady.

Homer Simpson: (EXCITED LAUGH) Hey, it really is you! How'd you get to be so good?

June: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner -- "Meep!"

Homer Simpson: You mean "meep meep"?

June: No, they only paid me to say it once,

June: then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: You folks ready to begin?

Homer Simpson: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

June: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

Nerd #1: Hi. Question for Miss Bellamy: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe that this is some sort of (DERISIVE SNORT) magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope someone got fired for that blunder.

June: (FUMFERS FOR AN ANSWER) Uh... Er...

Homer Simpson: I'll field this one. (TO NERD #1) Let me ask you a question: why would a man whose shirt says "Genius At Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Nerd #1: I withdraw my question.

Database: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-Rom, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?

Homer Simpson: What the hell are you talking about?

June: (SOTTO) You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hardcore fans.

Comic Book Guy: (CLEARS THROAT) Your attention please.

Nerd In Audience: (BEGINNING QUESTION) In episode...

Comic Book Guy: (REPEATS, LOUDER) Your attention, please! (THEN) Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. One per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.

Comic Book Guy: Pardon me, look out, pardon me, excuse me, hot soup. (TO HOMER) Hi. Kindly make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.

Marge Simpson: I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere.

Jasper Beardly: Is this seat taken, little girl?

Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?

Jasper Beardly: (SADLY) Yes.

Roy: I am stoked, Mr. "S."

Marge Simpson: Shush everybody! It's coming on!

Krusty the Clown: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969: Man walks on the moon.

Krusty the Clown: 1971: Man walks on the moon again.

Krusty the Clown: Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy: Poochie!

Theme Singers: They fight and bite

Very Deep Voice: And bark!

Theme Singers: They fight and bite and fight

Very Deep Voice: And bark!

Theme Singers: Fight bite bark!

Very Deep Voice: Woof woof woof!

Theme Singers: The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show!

Itchy: (ITCHY VOICE) Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie!

Scratchy: What's that name again? I forgot.

Poochie: The name's Poochie D. / And I rock the telly / I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli / I'm the Kung-Fu hippie / From gangsta city / I'm a rappin' surfer / You the fool I pity.

Scratchy: "Fool!" Poochie is one outrageous dude!

Itchy: He's totally in my face!

Poochie: Wiggity-wiggity word up! Rock on, party!

Milhouse Van Houten: When are they going to get to the fireworks factory? (FRUSTRATED SOBS)

Moe Szyslak: Can somebody tell me what the hell is goin' on? Midge, help me out here.

Homer Simpson: Quiet! You're missing the jokes!

Poochie: (SNAPS FINGERS) Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters! Not.

Poochie: (TO CAMERA) Hey kids -- always recycle... TO THE EXTREME! Bust it!

Nelson Muntz: Eh, that stunk!

Homer Simpson: (PROUDLY) Well? What did everybody think?

Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.

Carl Carlson: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... you got a beautiful home here.

Homer Simpson: (WORRIED) So it was pretty okay, huh?

Bart Simpson: (SHORT BEAT) Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?

Marge Simpson: (IMMEDIATELY) Yes we can!

Homer Simpson: Well, at least I liked it. (DOUBTING) Didn't I?

Homer's Brain: Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "D'oh."

Homer Simpson: (SADLY) I'm the worst Poochie ever.

Lisa Simpson: No, it's not your fault, dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.

Bart Simpson: Don't have a cow, Lis.

Marge Simpson: Bart's right -- let's none of us have a cow. All that matters is that the fans of the show liked it.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

Bart Simpson: What? They've given you thousands of

Bart Simpson: hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Comic Book Guy: (LOOKS BLANK; BEAT) Worst episode ever.

Kent Brockman: It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday, our prayers were finally answered when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are going to be crying when this puppy is put to sleep. (CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY)

Krusty the Clown: (GRUNT) What the hell happened?!

Executive: Well, I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.

Krusty the Clown: Whoa, you gotta stop this thing! (BURSTS INTO TEARS) Please, I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do something! DO SOMETHING!! (MORE CRYING)

Krusty the Clown: Uh, hi, Mr. Myers. I've been doing some thinking and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here (READING FROM LIST) Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie?" Three--

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Listen guys, we gotta do something about Poochie.

Krusty the Clown: There's only one thing we can do.

Homer Simpson: (ANGRILY) Then they said they were gonna kill Poochie off!

Bart Simpson: (EXCITED) Really?! (CATCHING HIMSELF) Oh, how terrible!

Lisa Simpson: (WOODEN) Yes. Terrible.

Marge Simpson: It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a, um... yak in heat!

Homer Simpson: You're right, Marge! It's not my fault! I'm not gonna let 'em treat Poochie like dirt anymore just 'cause he's the new guy!

Roy: Right on, Mr. S.!

Homer Simpson: Put a sock in it, Roy.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chain saw... Cue sound effects!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (YELLING TO SOUND GUY) Rustier!

June: (ITCHY VOICE) Are you prepared to die, Poochie?

Homer Simpson: (POOCHIE VOICE) No I am not.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Oh, cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Just stick to the script as written, Homer. You're supposed to say "Please, cut off my head, I don't deserve to live."

Homer Simpson: Never!

Homer Simpson: You can't just kill off a classic TV character. Poochie could be bigger than curly fries, but first he has to win back the audience. That's why I'm gonna read these lines I wrote myself with my own two hands.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Forget it, Homer! We can do the show without you if we have to.

June: But not without me!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (ANNOYED) Aw, geez...

June: Let him try the new lines.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: (GRUDGING SIGH) All right, all right. We'll try it. Action.

June: (ITCHY VOICE) Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. Do you?

Homer Simpson: (POOCHIE VOICE) Yes. I certainly do. (CLEARS THROAT, WRINKLES PAPER LOUDLY INTO MICROPHONE) Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away, but I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted, I know we can make 'em laugh -- and cry -- until we grow old together.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: And... cut!

Homer Simpson: Now, kids -- I know you loved the old Poochie...but the new one's going to be better than ten Superbowls. (ADDING QUICKLY) I don't want to oversell it. Judge for yourselves.

Scratchy: (CHEERY) Well, look who's here!

Itchy: Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. Do you?

Poochie: Yes. I certainly do.

Poochie: I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Bart Simpson: Wow -- Poochie came from another planet?

Lisa Simpson: (CONFUSED NOISE) I guess...

Homer Simpson: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me!

Krusty the Clown: Poochie's dead! (Krusty LAUGH)

Krusty the Clown: Now, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.

Bart Simpson: (CATCHING SELF) Tough break, dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years.

Roy: Good news, everybody! I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.

Marge Simpson: Oh, then I guess this is goodbye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years...

Homer Simpson: (SIGH) Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live and learn.

Bart Simpson: It's back to the basics. Classic Itchy and Scratchy!

Lisa Simpson: We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting out a program of this caliber after so many years.

Bart Simpson: What else is on?