Kent Brockman: (CHUCKLING) ...which, if true, means death for us all.

Kent Brockman: And now, "Kent's People". Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a 35-year-old Springfieldite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.

Kent Brockman: Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children.

Kent Brockman: Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion.

Kent Brockman: During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail.

Kent Brockman: And last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics -- with a minor in determination.

C. Montgomery Burns: That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers. (SMALL SNORT) A real scrapper. A self-made man like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president.

Waylon Smithers: (FROWNING SLIGHTLY) Yes, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president.

Waylon Smithers: Uh... yes, sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes.

Waylon Smithers: (OFF BURNS' BLANK LOOK) Th-- the self-made man?

C. Montgomery Burns: What? (REMEMBERING) Oh, yes. That fellow. Well, just put him somewhere out of the way and find that dog.

Waylon Smithers: Yes, sir.

Homer Simpson: Chair goes round... chair goes round.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Homer, ya busy?

Homer Simpson: (STILL SPINNING) Yes.

Carl Carlson: There's a new guy at the plant.

Carl Carlson: Uh, maybe we oughta say "Hi" to him.

Homer Simpson: I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

Carl Carlson: You new?

Frank Grimes: Yes. My name is Frank Grimes.

Lenny Leonard: I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny.

Frank Grimes: How do you do.

Homer Simpson: (REVERENTLY) Wow. You've got pencils with your name on 'em. Just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these.

Frank Grimes: Any office supply company can have them made up for you.

Homer Simpson: Can I have this one?

Frank Grimes: (INSTANTLY) No.

Homer Simpson: Can Lenny have it?

Frank Grimes: No.

Frank Grimes: (QUIET PRIDE) Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one.

Lenny Leonard: Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. 'Course old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLING) I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.

Frank Grimes: Um... (TIGHT, POLITE LAUGH) Yeah... (HINTING) Well, listen, I'm... sure we all have a lot of work to do.

Homer Simpson: Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.

Frank Grimes: (DISAPPROVING) Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.

Homer Simpson: (BITTER) Oh, yeah, they're always trying to screw ya.

Frank Grimes: Huh.

Marge Simpson: "MARGE" is already taken? Oh, how about "MARJORIE"?

City Employee: Sorry, ma'am.

Marge Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED NOISE, THEN GETTING DESPERATE) How about..."MITZI"?

City Employee: Uh-uh... (HELPFULLY) Uh, you can have "NITZI".

Marge Simpson: (CONSIDERING) Hmmm... "NITZI"...

Bart Simpson: I'm outta here.

Auctioneer: Ladies and gentlemen our next lot is number Seven Fifty-One. How much am I bid for Item Seven Fifty-One -- Seven Five One? (LONG BEAT) Nothing? No bids for Item Seven Fifty-One?

Bart Simpson: (CALLING) A buck!

Auctioneer: I have a buck. I have one dollar, one dollar here one dollar one here one dollar do I have two? (EXTENDED AUCTIONEER PATTER, THEN) Sold for a buck!

Bart Simpson: Cool! What'd I buy?

Auctioneer: 35 Industry Way.

Bart Simpson: Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.

Homer Simpson: (JOVIAL) Hiya, Stretch! What's the good word?

Frank Grimes: My name is Grimes, uh, Simpson. Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name. The least you can do is learn mine.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Grimy!

Frank Grimes: You're eating my special dietetic lunch.

Homer Simpson: Huh?

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLE) Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Frank Grimes: The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.

Homer Simpson: Check.

Frank Grimes: Simpson, do you know who chewed my...

Bart Simpson: Wow! It's filthy... and it's mine.

Homer Simpson: So how's it going, Grimy?

Frank Grimes: I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. (MAKES BORED KID MOUTH NOISES) (SINGS LOUDLY) TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME / TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL! So what's new, Grimy?

Frank Grimes: Simpson! You've got a 513!

Frank Grimes: No! A 513! In your procedures manual! A 513?!

Frank Grimes: (GETTING FRUSTRATED) Look at your control panel!

Homer Simpson: Oh. A five THIRTEEN. I'll handle it.

Homer Simpson: That got it.

Bart Simpson: (WHISTLES, THEN CALLS) Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory?

Milhouse Van Houten: (STUNNED BEAT) You don't have a factory.

Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?

Milhouse Van Houten: (EAGERLY) Okay!

Frank Grimes: (LOW) God, he eats like a pig!

Lenny Leonard: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Frank Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit! (SMALL SARDONIC CHUCKLE) Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook!

Lenny Leonard: (SMALL CHUCKLE) He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.

Frank Grimes: I've never seen him do any work around here. Wh... what is his job?

Lenny Leonard: Safety inspector.

Frank Grimes: That irresponsible oaf? A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now?

Lenny Leonard: Eh, three hundred sixteen times, by my count.

Frank Grimes: That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind.

Carl Carlson: It's best not to think about it.

Frank Grimes: You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!

Homer Simpson: Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid. (CHUCKLING) Boy would my face have been red! (HIS CHUCKLE GROWS TO A BELLY LAUGH)

Frank Grimes: Stop laughing, you imbecile! (FRUSTRATED) Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

C. Montgomery Burns: Who did this to my wall?

Homer Simpson: (JERKING A THUMB AT GRIMES) He did.

C. Montgomery Burns: Is this true?

Frank Grimes: I-- well-- uh, technically it is true, Sir, but...

C. Montgomery Burns: Come with me.

Homer Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) He likes you.

C. Montgomery Burns: How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid?! Did you really think you were going to get away with it?

Frank Grimes: I wasn't...

C. Montgomery Burns: Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance -- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right!

Frank Grimes: But, Sir, if I could...

Homer Simpson: Hi, Grimy, old buddy.

Frank Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. Stay the hell away from me! Because from now on... (OMINOUS) we're enemies!

Homer Simpson: Okay. (BEAT) Do I have to do anything?

Homer Simpson: Oh, I can't believe it. I've got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.

Moe Szyslak: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer Simpson: (SHAKING HEAD) No, I won't accept that.

Moe Szyslak: No, it's true. I've got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list".

Barney Gumble: (READING) Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Moe Szyslak: Okay, gimme that. Gimme it back!

Moe Szyslak: (WRITING) "Barney Gumbel".

Homer Simpson: (MOROSE) Oh, what'll I do, Moe?

Moe Szyslak: Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's not expecting it, bam! The old fork in the eye.

Homer Simpson: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?

Moe Szyslak: There's always a first time.

Homer Simpson: (FRETTING) This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimy and me are going to be friends. Lisa -- be perfect.

Lisa Simpson: (SHRUGS) Okay.

Homer Simpson: Marge -- perfect. Bart -- perfect. Other kid -- perfect.

Marge Simpson: I only have five lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?

Homer Simpson: No, no. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here.

Homer Simpson: (PANICKING; SMALL SCREAM) It's him! It's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him!...

Marge Simpson: (INTERRUPTING) Calm down, Homer. Calm down. Answer the door.

Homer Simpson: (ALL ONE WORD) Welcome-to-the-Simpson-residence-or-Casa-De-Simpson-as-I-call-it-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Frank Grimes: Yeah. What did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important.

Homer Simpson: It is. It is. But first let me introduce you to my family. (PROMPTING THEM) My perfect family.

Homer Simpson: This is my wife, Marge...

Marge Simpson: Hello.

Homer Simpson: ... and our beautiful baby. My daughter, Lisa -- I.Q. 156.

Lisa Simpson: Hi.

Homer Simpson: See. And my son, Bart -- he owns a factory downtown.

Frank Grimes: (IMPATIENT, BUT POLITE) How do you do. Look, Homer, I'm I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling m... (LOOKS AROUND; SPUTTERING) Good heavens! Th-this is a palace. How can... how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

Homer Simpson: (SHRUGS) I 'unno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Frank Grimes: Yeah, but look at the size of this place. (SEETHING) I-I-I live in a single room, above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Wow.

Frank Grimes: (STUNNED) I... I'm sorry, isn't that...?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with The Smashing Pumpkins. Oh, and here's a picture of me in outer space.

Frank Grimes: You. Went into outer space. You.

Homer Simpson: Sure. You've never been?

Homer Simpson: Would you like to see my Grammy Award?

Frank Grimes: No! I wouldn't (BEGINS PACING ANGRILY) Gaw, I've had to work hard every day of my life. And what do I have to show for it? This briefcase, and this haircut. And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

Homer Simpson: (NO IDEA) What?

Frank Grimes: Everything! -- A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and (SNIFFS) lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No!

Homer Simpson: (GASPS) What are you saying?

Frank Grimes: I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leech off decent, hard-working people like me. Ha. If you lived in any other country in the world you'd have starved to death long ago.

Bart Simpson: (NODDING) He's got you there, Dad.

Frank Grimes: You're a fraud. A... a total fraud.

Frank Grimes: (TO MARGE AND KIDS) It was nice meeting you.

Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Adding machines! Industrial waste! What should we do with all this stuff, Bart?

Bart Simpson: I think we both know the answer to that..

Bart Simpson: (WAY OFF MIKE, BEHIND GLASS) Get to work.

Bart Simpson: Wacky shack!

Milhouse Van Houten: Better be careful, Bart. Look at those warning signs.

Bart Simpson: Solve your problem, Milhouse?

Milhouse Van Houten: Yep.

Marge Simpson: Homer...

Marge Simpson: Homer, why aren't you at work?

Homer Simpson: The car won't start. And I don't feel very good today. I am at work.

Marge Simpson: You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you?

Homer Simpson: (SPUTTERS) Wh-- th-- that's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road.

Marge Simpson: You'll have to face him sometime. And when you do, I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

Homer Simpson: No he won't. He hates me.

Marge Simpson: He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily and it's been so difficult for him.

Homer Simpson: (SEIZING ON THIS) Yeah, yeah, that's his problem. He's a nut. It's not about me being lazy, it's about him being a crazy nut!

Marge Simpson: (DIPLOMATICALLY) Well, maybe... but I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more... professional in your work.

Marge Simpson: (REASSURING) Just a little more... Then he won't have any reason to resent you.

Homer Simpson: (BEAT, THEN FIRMLY) I'll do it. To professionalism!

Homer Simpson: (FORMALLY) Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. (HE POINTS AT THE POSTER AND THEN HIMSELF) We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

Frank Grimes: Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

Carl Carlson: Hey, whaddya got against Homer, anyway?

Frank Grimes: Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here:

Frank Grimes: Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

Lenny Leonard: Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Carl Carlson: Yeah. Homer's okay. Give him a break.

Frank Grimes: No! Homer is not "okay". And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.

Lenny Leonard: So, how you doin'?

Frank Grimes: (TO HIMSELF, INTERESTED) Oh, here we go.

Homer Simpson: Oh. Design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am.

Homer Simpson: Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I've gone home to work on the contest.

Frank Grimes: (LAUGHTER) Oh God!

Lisa Simpson: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?

Marge Simpson: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.

Homer Simpson: Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, boy! Quittin' time!

Bart Simpson: Just a minute, Van Houten. Somebody needs to guard this place tonight so it doesn't get trashed. How'd you like to be night watchman?

Milhouse Van Houten: But, I'm sleepy.

Bart Simpson: Ah, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine. (HANDS IT TO HIM)

Milhouse Van Houten: So this is my life... At least I've done better than Dad.

Bart Simpson: Aw, geez!

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.

Milhouse Van Houten: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over. Then it fell over.

Bart Simpson: Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.

Moe Szyslak: (LONG BEAT, THEN:) Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

C. Montgomery Burns: (EXCITED) ...and the bold, new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours obsolete!

Waylon Smithers: (LOOKING AT CARD) Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

Waylon Smithers: (CHUCKLES) It's pretty good, sir.

C. Montgomery Burns: Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's Bordello. (TO RALPH) Thank you. Get out. Next.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ralphy, get off the stage! Sweetheart!

Martin Prince: Behold! The power plant of the future, today!

C. Montgomery Burns: (DISPLEASED NOISE) Too cold and sterile. (PLEADING) Where's the heart?

Martin Prince: But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now.

C. Montgomery Burns: (FIRMLY) You lose! Get off my property!

C. Montgomery Burns: Let's have the next child.

Frank Grimes: Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

Lenny Leonard: Hey, shhh!

Carl Carlson: You're making us miss the contest.

C. Montgomery Burns: Could you explain your model, young man?

Frank Grimes: What's to explain?! He's an idiot!

Lenny Leonard: Pipe down!

Homer Simpson: Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now...

Homer Simpson: Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

C. Montgomery Burns: Agreed. First prize.

Frank Grimes: (FURIOUSLY) What?!

Carl Carlson: Way to go, Homer!

Lenny Leonard: You're number one, Homer!

Frank Grimes: (INCREDULOUS; SPUTTERING) But it-- this was a contest for children!

Lenny Leonard: Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!

Frank Grimes: Oh, I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you!

Frank Grimes: I can be lazy, too! Look at me!

Frank Grimes: Hi! I'm a worthless employee just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!

Frank Grimes: Oooh, I eat like a slob but nobody minds! (MANIACAL GOBBLING SOUNDS)

Frank Grimes: (ECHO-Y) I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise?!

Frank Grimes: Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!

Frank Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. (SMACKS HIMSELF ON FOREHEAD) D'oh d'oh d'oh!

Homer Simpson: Hey, you okay, Grimy?

Frank Grimes: I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson: (CHUCKLES) You wish.

Frank Grimes: (TO BURNS) Oh, hi, Mr. Burns, I'm the worst worker in the world! Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

Frank Grimes: What's this? "Extremely high voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp...

Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: Frank Grimes, or "Grimy" as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's looking down...

Homer Simpson: (SLEEPY, LOUD) Change the channel, Marge.

Lenny Leonard: That's our Homer!