TV Announcer: And now, the conclusion of our Thousand Dollar Movie -- Roger Corman's... Titanic!

Young Man: We're safe now, Clarice. We made it away from that cursed ship.

Young Woman: Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini.

Marge Simpson: Look out! Behind you!

TV Announcer: We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.

Homer Simpson: Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy commercial.

Hideous Alien #1: (BOOMING) People of earth! We have traveled all the way from space to attend the most astro-tastic event in the entire universe.

Hideous Alien #2: (SMOOTH DJ VOICE) (LAUGHS) You said it, Phil. It's the Bi-Monthly Springfield Sci-Fi Convention.

Hideous Alien #1: That's right, it's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. Come meet all your favorite stars! Mark Hamill! Alf!

Hideous Alien #1: And many more!

Hideous Alien #2: Plus, tag-team robot wrestling! It's the Mighty Robots of Battlestar Galactica vs. the Gay Robots of Star Wars!

C-3PO: Ow! Ow! Stop! Please, save me, R2! (AS R2D2 RUNS AWAY BEEPING) Oh, you stupid little tramp! You're so boring! I hate you! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hideous Alien #1: Remember, it's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. Be there (LEANS IN CONFIDENTLY) and be square!

Homer Simpson: (SHRUG) Well, beats work.

Bart Simpson: (SHRUG) Yup, beats school.

Ticket Taker: (SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN) Sorry, we're all full.

Homer Simpson: (TO FAMILY) Are you sure this is the sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds.

Database: Hi, Lisa.

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Lisa.

Üter: Güten tag.

Lisa Simpson: (WAVING SHEEPISHLY) Hi. (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH)

Manager: (CALLING) People! People! This man has actually been in outer space.

Edna Krabappel-Flanders: Ha! Nobody cares!

Neil Armstrong: (TO MANAGER) This is one small step towards firing your ass.

Bart Simpson: Hey, wait. I saw that Lost in Space movie. You are not Doctor Smith.

Dr. Smith: Oh, the pain. The paaain! The pain of it all!

Robot: (METALLIC LAUGH, THEN SARCASTIC) You have still got it, Doctor Smith.

Dr. Smith: Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! (TO BART) My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume, if you'd care to meet me later in the food court...

Robot: (FLAILING ARMS) Danger! Danger, Bart Simpson!

Comic Book Guy: Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spider-Man" in with the "Peter Parker The Spectacular Spider-Man" series. This will not stand.

Nerdy Young Woman: Pardon me. But I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus.

Comic Book Guy: (NOT TURNING, WEARY) "A", that is not water, it is diet Mr. Pibb, and "B" I--

Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?

Nerdy Young Woman: Comb the SweeTarts out of your beard and you're on.

Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, baby.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (BOOMING) Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders!

Mayor Joe Quimby: And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the star in "Star Wars," a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!

Mark Hamill: Hey, thanks everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker. But I'm also here... to talk about Sprint.

Mark Hamill: As you can see, you stand to save up to seventeen cents a month over the more dependable providers...

Database: (IN CROWD) Ahhh, talk about "Star Wars!"

Crowd Of Nerds: (HEARTY AGREEMENT) / Yeah! / Star Wars!

Homer Simpson: You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance!

Mark Hamill: "Star Wars," huh? Well, let me ask you this. How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie?

Mark Hamill: Well, you're in luck. 'Cause we're gonna act out a scene and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi Wan.

Seymour Skinner: Kenobi?!

Lenny Leonard: Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment!

Carl Carlson: Aw, like hell it has! If anyone's gonna play Obi, it's me!

Professor Jonathan Frink: All right, step away, you foolish amateurs. Keep back! Keep out of it! The role is mine! With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke! Luke! Save me!" with the lightsaber and the vwing, vwing, vwiing. (FRINK NOISE)

Groundskeeper Willie: That's not how you vwing!

Dr. Smith: We're doooomed! Doooooomed!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Oh God, can't this town go one day without a riot?

Mayor Joe Quimby: (PANICKED) Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards?

Ernie: Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?

Big Tom: If there is, I don't want to know about it.

C-3PO: (DOPPLER) Oh, dear. Oh, my.

Mayor Joe Quimby: We're screwed. Use your light saber.

Mark Hamill: What, and break it? You know, George Lucas makes me pay for these.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TO CROWD) Take him! He's the one you want!

Mark Hamill: Not the hair! (GRUNTS) Back off, you freaking dweebs!

Lisa Simpson: Oh, poor Mark Hamill.

Bart Simpson: That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him!

Homer Simpson: (ANGRY GRUNTS, THEN OVERLY ENRAGED) Neeerrrds!

Homer Simpson: (GRUNTS) Get out of there! (GRUNTS)

Homer Simpson: Mr. Hamill, Mr. Mayor, come on!

Mark Hamill: Who are you?

Homer Simpson: Homer Simpson -- nerd buster. And I'm gettin' you out of here!

Mark Hamill: (PAINED SOUND) I can't, Homer. (PAINED SOUND) I twisted my ankle. You guys go on without me!

Homer Simpson: Never!

Homer Simpson: (TO QUIMBY) Follow me.

Homer Simpson: (DEFENSIVE) Oh, how was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship?

Bart Simpson: Dad, over here!

Lisa Simpson: (LOOKING AROUND) Oh, my God. Someone has to go back in for Maggie!

Homer Simpson: Forget Maggie! She's gone!

Marge Simpson: I've got Maggie.

Mark Hamill: Wow, that was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Well, it's all-- Hey, I thought you twisted your ankle.

Mark Hamill: (CAUGHT) Oh, yeah, well, see, the thing about that is...

Ernie: Hey, boss, we were just talking about you.

Mayor Joe Quimby: You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!

Ernie: Fired, huh? (CHUCKLES) Who else are you gonna find to take a bullet for ya?

Big Tom: Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?

Mayor Joe Quimby: I'll tell you who. Him!

Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Marge Simpson: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just--

Homer Simpson: (FIRMLY) I said, "woo hoo."

Leavelle: As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your pro-tectee. Not to your family. Not to your country. (POINTING IN HOMER'S FACE) Not to Moohamed.

Homer Simpson: Even during Ramadan?

Leavelle: Shut your sass-hole, boy.

Leavelle: These melons represent your pro-tectees. Throughout this course, you will pro-tect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary.

Homer Simpson: (MOUTH FULL, GULPS) Wha?

Leavelle: Okay, listen up! My goal is to assassinate that watermelon. Your job is to take the bullet. Go! Go! Go! Go! (AIMING GUN) Pow!

Homer Simpson: (FLATLY) Nooo!

Leavelle: Well, your dive wasn't bad. But I just didn't believe your "Nooo!" You gotta sell it. Remember, your "Nooo!" is what gets you your next job. Now drop and gimme twenty.

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED) Nooooooooooo!

Leavelle: Better.

Leavelle: You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance -- not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band!

Leavelle: However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations.

Leavelle: And now, in honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, "The Bodyguard."

Leavelle: (SINGING, A LA WHITNEY HOUSTON) "AND I-I-I-E-E-I-I-I-E-E-I-I-I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUU!..." Ha!

Homer Simpson: (CALLING OVER SHOULDER) Clear!

Marge Simpson: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Homer Simpson: (INTO RADIO) The pig is in the poke.

Marge Simpson: You know, I really don't care for that code name.

Homer Simpson: Look out, Marge! Cat!

Marge Simpson: Nah!

Marge Simpson: (ANNOYED SOUND) I know you're excited about starting your new job, but could you just relax for now?

Homer Simpson: Hold it! What's your clearance?

Bart Simpson: We just want to get a snack.

Homer Simpson: Access denied.

Bart Simpson: But, Da--

Marge Simpson: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.

Homer Simpson: (DISMISSIVE) They'll be fine in half an hour.

Marge Simpson: (EXASPERATED SOUND, THEN NAGGING) That's not the point. And another thing. I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago and you still haven't--

Homer Simpson: (LOOKS AT WATCH, THEN TO HIMSELF) Hmm, still half an hour till dinner. (SHRUGS) Oh, well...

Homer Simpson: It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Just remember, you represent the office of the mayor, so always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick! Honk at that broad!

Mayor Joe Quimby: Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.

Moe Szyslak: (HOSTILE) Hey Homer, I told you not to come 'round here no more till you paid your tab. Or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom. Now y--

Moe Szyslak: (TURNING ON A DIME) Mayor Quimby?! Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor?

Moe Szyslak: Shove off, puke-holes. Get out of there! These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies.

Moe Szyslak: Heh. Here's a couple of Düffenbraus, on the house, of course.

Homer Simpson: (IMPRESSED NOISE) Semi-imported. (GUZZLES THE BOTTLE) Keep 'em comin'.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TO MOE) Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season.

Moe Szyslak: Oh yeah, yeah, right. Health inspection. That reminds me. (CHUCKLES)

Moe Szyslak: (STAGEY) Your change, sir.

Moe Szyslak: We're workin' on that roach situation, I swear to God.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (SHRUGGING) Eh, you should see the hospital.

Homer Simpson: (PROUDLY) ... And after Moe's, we went to Krustyburger and the mayor got some more change, and I ordered a double double, but they gave me the double double double double. And then Apu gave the Mayor lots of change for...

Bart Simpson: Dad, don't you see what's going on?

Lisa Simpson: That "change" was a bribe.

Homer Simpson: Oh, honey, don't be so naive. That's how the world works. Sure, the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time.

Lisa Simpson: No he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the Federal Department of Transportation. And recent studies have shown that...

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Fat Tony: Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my... (COUGHS TWICE, MAKES MONEY GESTURE WITH HAND)

Fat Tony: Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

Homer Simpson: So, how'd you get the nickname "Legs"?

Legs: Well, that's an interesting story. It seems President Kennedy's father...

Homer Simpson: (THRILLED) Oooh, mini-cannoli!

Homer Simpson: Hey! I called that! I saw it first! Come back here!

Homer Simpson: (INTRIGUED) Milking room? (COYLY, TURNING DOORKNOB) I hope you cows are decent.

Homer Simpson: (STUNNED) Oh! Crap on a crutch! (HORRIFIED YELL)

Homer Simpson: (SCREAM) They're milking rats! Milk-ing rats!

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TO FAT TONY) Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

Homer Simpson: Bart, no!

Bart Simpson: Hey, my milk! I traded my math book for that!

Lisa Simpson: Dad! What a nice surprise.

Homer Simpson: (DISGUSTED SOUNDS) Oh, get that away from me!

Homer Simpson: Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk. Ever.

Milhouse Van Houten: Can I still drink it?

Homer Simpson: (HANDING HIM LISA'S CARTON) Go nuts.

Milhouse Van Houten: All right!

Homer Simpson: (URGENT PANTING) You... monster! How could you do that to the children?!

Mayor Joe Quimby: (SHEEPISH CHUCKLE) Those wacky gangsters. What are you gonna do?

Homer Simpson: And to think, I respected you! (POUNDS TREADMILL CONSOLE) And defended you! (POUNDS) You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me!

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED GASP) (THEN, SHEEPISH) Okay, we'll call it even.

Homer Simpson: Oh my God, I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce, à la "Weekend at Bernie's," and...

Mayor Joe Quimby: Help! Help!

Homer Simpson: (HORRIFIED GASP) His corpse is climbing the building!

Mayor Joe Quimby: I'm alive, you idiot! Pull me in!

Homer Simpson: A-- Wait a second. I'm not saving you unless you promise to get that rats' milk out of the schools.

Mayor Joe Quimby: But the gangsters will kill me.

Homer Simpson: You're forgetting, you've got the best bodyguard in the business. Now promise, or I'll let you fall to your death.

Mayor Joe Quimby: All right! All right, I promise.

Homer Simpson: Shake on it?

Homer Simpson: Relax, you're in good hands. Now come on, I'll pull you up.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Not so fast. I can see into the interns' restroom from here.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (UNFAZED) Did you know that this is how FDR met Eleanor?

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TO HOMER) All right. Pull me up.

Louie: Six queens. Read 'em and weep.

Fat Tony: Not so fast. (LAYING DOWN CARDS) Seven queens.

Chief Wiggum: Freeze, goombahs! We're shuttin' ya down, ya filthy Italians.

Chief Wiggum: Oh right, right. (THEN, APOLOGETIC) Filthy Italian-Americans.

Fat Tony: Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend, Mayor Quimby, I am confident this can be--

Mayor Joe Quimby: Not this time, Fat Tony. (PLAYING TO CAMERAS) The mayor's office is not for sale.

Mayor Joe Quimby: (TO NEWSMEN) Can you, uh, edit out the laughs?

Fat Tony: I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage.

Homer Simpson: (TAUNTING) Ooh, the Mafia guy's all mad. Oh, what are you gonna do? Call your Godfather? Huh? Ooh, Godfather. (FAKE WHIMPERING, THEN TO COPS, RE: DOOR) Break it down!

Chief Wiggum: (RUBBING RAT ON HIS GUMS) It's pure. (TO COPS) Pull the plug, boys.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Run free, little vermin. The city is yours!

Kent Brockman: ... And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete.

Kent Brockman: Ah, Fat Tony. Do you have any comment?

Fat Tony: I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't want to drink the rats' milk?

Kent Brockman: Huh. Any words for the mayor?

Fat Tony: Hello, Mayor Quimby. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen. (LEANING IN) Like the killing of you by us.

Bart Simpson: Aren't you scared, Dad? I mean, if I were Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell, gettin' madder and madder.

Homer Simpson: Oh, don't worry about that, boy. He's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.

Marge Simpson: You're guarding the mayor tonight? After Fat Tony swore revenge?

Homer Simpson: It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, would you go start Daddy's car?

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Homer Simpson: What? There's nothing to worry about.

Bart Simpson: Well, then you start it.

Homer Simpson: All right, fine. I'll take a cab.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Homer, I'm, uh, not sure it's wise to go out right now. I was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the, uh... (SIGHS) wife.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it. You're worried about those mobsters, aren't ya?

Mayor Joe Quimby: No, no, I truly do want to stay home with the... (VERY SAD) wife.

Homer Simpson: You've gotta snap out of this funk, Mayor. I'm gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters.

Homer Simpson: (TAPS HIS SHOULDER) Uh, excuse me...

Maitre D': (TURNS) Nnyyeeeeeesss?

Homer Simpson: Do you have a table for the mayor?

Maitre D': Nnyyeeeeeesss.

Homer Simpson: Why do you talk that way?

Maitre D': I had a stroooke.

Ned Flanders: (PRAYING) Dear Lord, please make tonight's production better than "Othello" with Peter Marshall.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, what's-his-name... Fat Tony?! (GASP, THEN SCARED NOISE)

Homer Simpson: All right, Fat Tony. If it's trouble with Quimby you're after--

Fat Tony: Please, I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts. But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver.

Homer Simpson: Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this--

Mayor Joe Quimby: (SPITS, THEN WIPING MOUTH) You moron! That's the Kiss of Death!

Homer Simpson: (PANICKY) Oh no. (THEN, DESPERATE) Wait... maybe I didn't do it right.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Never mind that, just go patrol the perimeter.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Ah, au gratin potatoes, that's a quality side.

Homer Simpson: (SLURRED) Nooooooooo!!!

Homer Simpson: Potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the steak.

Gangsters/molls: (SINGING A LA "HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD") "... GUYS AND DOLLS. WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF CRAZY GUYS AND DOLLS. OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GUYS AND DOLLS...!" (SINGING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND) "AND OH THOSE DOLLS! WE'RE DANCING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH! AND GAMBLING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH!"

Mark Hamill: (FRUSTRATED) This is a conceptual nightmare. I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this. And this song isn't even in the show.

Theater Owner: I don't have time for this. I've got seventy five shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Luke.

Mark Hamill: (SINGING) "... GUYS AND DOLLS. WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF CRAZY GUYS AND DOLLS!"

Mark Hamill: (SINGING) "OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GUYS AND DOLLS!" (SINGING CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND) "AND HOODS AND MOLLS! WE'RE DANCING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH! AND GAMBLING, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAAAH!"

Fat Tony: (SEETHING) I want the mayor dead... I want his wife dead... I want his cat and his dog dead....

Louie: (JOTTING THIS DOWN) Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, who was before the cat?

Fat Tony: (SIGHS) Just kill the mayor.

Louie: (INSECURE) You're not mad at me, are ya?

Mark Hamill: (SINGING TO "LUCK BE A LADY") "... LUKE, BE A JEDI TONIGHT. JUST BE A JEDI TONIGHT..."

Mark Hamill: (SINGING) "DO IT FOR YODA WHILE WE SERVE OUR GUESTS A SODA..."

Mark Hamill: (SINGING) "AND DO IT FOR CHEWIE AND THE EWOKS, AND ALL THE OTHER PUPPETS..."

Mark Hamill: (SINGING) "LUKE BE A JEDI TONIGHT."

Theater Owner: Hey! You're in this number. Get out there and shake that money maker!

Louie: But I'm just here to kill... Wha--

Homer Simpson: (TO QUIMBY) That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh?

Mayor Joe Quimby: He looks awfully familiar.

Homer Simpson: (LEAFING THROUGH PLAYBILL) I think I saw him in "Rent," or "Stomp," or "Clomp," or some piece of crap.

Mark Hamill: (POINTS TO SIGN BY DOOR) Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it!

Louie: (WHIRLING AROUND) You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school.

Louie: Show's over, Mayor!

Homer Simpson: Look out!

Homer Simpson: (STRUGGLING GRUNTS) Gimme that knife!

Louie: No, it's mine!

Mark Hamill: (WEAKLY) Homer... use... the forrr...

Homer Simpson: "The force?!"

Mark Hamill: (WEAKLY) The forks... use the forks...!

Homer Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: Yesss! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on -- (NOTICING SOMETHING) Aw, crap.

Homer Simpson: (SHAMING) Oh, Fat Tony.

Fat Tony: (PLAYING INNOCENT) What? What did I do?

Mark Hamill: I checked with the doctor. He said Mayor Quimby's gonna be fine... and I was electric as Nathan Detroit. What did you think of me?

Homer Simpson: (SADLY) Ohh, I'd say you were luminous, magnetic, (SIGHS) incandescent.

Mark Hamill: Ohh... cheer up, Homer. I think you made a great bodyguard.

Homer Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) Really? Would you say I was magnetic?

Mark Hamill: Absolutely.

Homer Simpson: Aww...

Crowd Of Nerds: (AMID YELLING) Mr. Skywalker! Mr. Skywalker!

Mark Hamill: (ANNOYED SOUND, THEN) Homer, I think you know what to do.

Mark Hamill: Shoot! I forgot my light saber.

Mark Hamill: Oh, wait, here it is.

Homer Simpson: (GRUNTS) Get out of the way you-- (GRUNTS)